I Wish I knew and if I knew
I wish I knew it would be hard to breath everyday.
I wish I knew how to tell my arms to stop craving to hold you all the time.
I wish I knew how to stop my ears from trying to hear your voice.
I wish I knew how to hide and never come out.
I wish I knew if my ambition will return to finish school.
I wish I knew if my desire to be hired will come back.
I wish I knew why I want to die so much.
I wish I knew if Daddy was really ok or is he pretending to be to help me through this.
I wish I knew if I am being selfish and yet I know.
I wish I knew what God considered suicide to be, especially if you're heart was breaking.
I wish I if knew Daddy and your brothers could live on without me and not hate me for leaving.
I wish I knew when I'd stop thinking about death all the time.
I wish I knew when this pain would stop when I breath.
I wish I knew how to attach to people again and not keep them at an arms length.
I wish I knew when my life will come to it's end.
I wish I knew you were going to die on November 7th around 6:00pm because I'd have never left you. NEVER.
If I knew "our boys" would be ok without me, I'd take my life in a heartbeat.
If I knew that suicide was giving up on God, I'd take all my sleeping pills at once.
If I knew it would cause even more heartache, I be glad to leave and open my eyes in Heaven.
If I knew Hell was a bigger option than Heaven, you'd be able to bet I'd be coming to you right now.
If I knew when the pain would go away, then maybe I could stop thinking about taking my life.
If I knew Faithie you were going to die on November 7th, I never would have left as your bus was pulling up. I would have said goodbye my Little Lady.
I wish I knew and If I knew....
Heather I,ve been holding back commenting on your blogs cuz i didn't want to say i know how you feel, and maybe i don't know exactly but I,ve had to deal with alot of those feelings myself...and suicide was always on my mind for a while, and I believe the only reason I,m here is because I had 3 other children and at that time 5 grandchildren....I felt like if i took my own life because of Jakes passing it would be like telling my kids I only loved Jake, I know you don't believe this but someday you will learn to liive somewhat normally , you have just began this journey and every feeling and emotion is new you are dealing with things you have never dealt with before ,and because it was so sudden and unexpected it makes it harded to except...I do agree with Mary Lou staying busy..with work or school will help. lets time to focus on faith I went back to work a week after Jake died Iknew if i stayed home I would stay in bed all day and cry and wish to die...It's taken me lots of years but now when I wake up i try and think of something that will make me happy... someday your pain will become less , you will never forget one single moment of Faithies life but you won't cry as often and you will be able to face life with out her..because she's with God now but you have to stay for your boys and for Jamie...I hope these words help you....even if just a little I pray for your family everyday....Love you and Jamie and the boys
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your words greatly. My boys are the main reason I don't go through it for the same reason you stated. They may feel I only loved Faithie. But oh it's so hard some days.
DeleteMy heart is breaking for you! Stand fast against the devil. Those thoughts of ending your life please the devil and give him a foothold on your life. Your pain is real but Gods love and promise to you in soo much bigger. Cling to his love and goodness. Asking him to pull you from the depths of grief and place your feet on solid ground! I love you friend!
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