Knock, Knock

This blog post was from a blog I used to write in called His Voice, Her Voice and My Musings.  I still find this funny today.  Boy I really miss my baby girl

January 23, 2012
Knock, Knock

This past summer (2011) our boys were telling Knock, Knock jokes at dinner time.  This how the final knock, knock went:

Trever: Knock, Knock
Faith: OPEN THE DOOR!!!!!!!

We laughed and laughed over it.  She even laughed.  Yet I realize that while I was laughing she really was frustrated with us.  Knock, Knock jokes were too unrealistic to her and she didn't understand why we would keep saying "knock, knock" and not answer the door.

Fast forward about 5 months  and she is trying to tell knock, knock jokes!!!  It's the same one and we don't really understand the punch line but it amazes me to see her progress and watch her giggle at her knock, knock joke.

Here's her joke:

Faith: Knock, Knock
Us: Whose there?
Faith: Ballerina
Us: Ballerina who?
Faith: Ballerina falls on the floor!! 

and then she giggles and we giggle with her!!

Oh me Oh my Oh Court again

Hi Baby Girl!  I'm missing you as always.  The picture above is the place you took your last breath.  Every time I drive by I cannot help but look at the fire hydrant and the road where "the Kid" pulled out from. I've also noticed others when I am driving with them that they look too.  It's like an unseen force that automatically pulls our heads in that direction.  Sometimes I hold my breath when we drive by. I don't know why it's just something I do.

On Friday we went to court again to see what "the Kid" and his defense attorney were going to do. The night before I couldn't sleep and when I woke up I was in knots.  Faithie I have been struggling for weeks with anger towards "the Kid" and with how forgiveness should look like from me.

I am discovering that forgiveness looks different and is different for everyone.  The night that you left the Earth and went to your Heavenly home, Daddy and I, without discussing it just decided to forgive "The Kid".  We knew right away that it was just an accident and that there was no alchol, drugs, or texting involved.

So my Lady, we forgave "the Kid" that night but have since then struggled with what that looks like.  We never wanted him to go to jail and in the beginning we just wanted there to be no case.  The justice system is going to do what it needs to or wants to and therefore they went ahead with arraigning "the Kid." I'll be honest Faithie I am not sure what the entire charge is but I do know it has "accidental wrongful death" in it.

We've been to court three times now and I knew when we left for it the third time it was going to go to trial.  Like I said, I've been struggling with my anger towards him.  I have wanted him charged and thrown in jail, have to have no license forever and I've wanted to just punch him in the face.  I find nothing wrong with any of these because if he had waited you'd be here and I wouldn't be struggling with anger.

In the morning I knew that I was done with this anger.  I asked my friends to pray for me and that I'd feel peace about whatever the outcome was.  Before we left for court I grabbed this picture:

I held it in my hand on the way to court.  It is one of my favorite pictures of you and me.  We had so much fun on this vacation. 

While we were driving to the courthouse the sayings of Jesus,  "I tell you to forgive 70x7" kept running around in my head.  I asked Mema for a pen and wrote on the back of the picture this quote.  I then asked Daddy for his phone because I wanted to find in the Bible where it was exactly.  Upon not finding its exact location, I came across Ephesians 4:32 " Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." I wrote that on the back of the picture and something else.

When we arrived at court, Daddy went upstairs to find out which courtroom we were supposed to go to.  While he was gone I saw "the Kid" and his defense attorney.  There was a pull to go over to them.  I handed the attorney the picture and asked if he could give this to "The Kid" and then walked away. We at this point are not supposed to be talking to each other.  

I pray for this boy and his family because I can only imagine what it must feel like to know that your careless actions caused a death of a little girl.  My heart breaks for him too. I'm glad I gave him the picture but I still cried later because I miss you.  I wish I didn't have to give him the picture at all because you would be here snuggling with me and Daddy.

I am okay now with everything going to trial.  It will be after Daddy's heart surgery.  I love you Faithie and still wish you were here.

Love you ALWAYS and FOREVER,
Love,
Momma

Dreams are cruel and beautiful

On Sunday night I had a dream about you Faithie.

 

In my dream Uncle Josh and Aunt Brooke and your cousins were visiting because you had left us for Heaven.  The house was full and loud so I went into your bedroom just to be alone and cry.

 

When I came into your room you were laying on your bed kind of like in the picture above.  I squealed in excitement and ran to you and started hugging you and kissing you.  I knew everyone was wrong about you dying.  I knew it and here you were hanging out in your bedroom.  My brain didn't tell me how that was possible.

 

The noise was so loud downstairs and I wanted to scream out to them that it was all okay.  You just smiled as I hugged and kissed you.  Then Daddy came into the room looking for me.  As I looked away from you for a second to tell Daddy it's all okay you disappeared. 

 

I woke up then.  I'm grateful I was able to hug you in my dream but I wish it was for real.  Last year at this time we were in Florida on our best family vacation.  I wish we were on this boat watching the dolphins again.

 

 

 

I love you ALWAYS and FOREVER,

Love your Momma

Visiting you

Hello my Lady.  Today Trever plays basketball. He is doing really well this year.  I am proud of him.  I know you'd have fun watching him. 

Yesterday I took the boys to visit you.  First we went to Family Fare to buy you a balloon.  If you were here you'd have had the Valentine Day party at school.  I can only imagine the happy face and wavy hands you'd have had all day. 

 

Elijah picked out the Dinosaur balloon.  I bought a tiny sparkle pink heart ring and put it on the snowman. 

 

The snow was really hard but Trever wanted to try and create a snow angel for you.  As you can see Baby he didn't even sink a little in the snow.  Elijah tried creating a heart for you out of footprints. 

 

I'm glad we went to see your body's final resting place.  I didn't cry as we left and Trever was expecting it.  I told him I don't cry every time.  This time was a happy moment watching your brothers create things for their Sissy in the snow.

 

We love you Baby ALWAYS and FOREVER,

Love,

Momma

Socky Misses You

Good Afternoon Faith Elizabeth.  I hope you are having a beautiful, fabulous day in Heaven.  I'm doing good today.  I even went for a 20 minute walk in the really, really cold temperature.  Let's be honest, I don't enjoy the winter anymore but I'm going to stick out the running program I started.  Florida or somewhere on the ocean line sounds perfect right now.

Anyway I was snuggling with your brother, Elijah last night.  He doesn't say much on you being gone.  He has told me he is angry or in his words, "I'm just mad at the world."  It was good to hear him express himself even though it was brief. 

Last night as we were laying down Socky started talking to me.  He was talking to me about Banana Land and making fun of me that I only like imitation banana like in Checkers/ Rally's Banana Milkshake and Banana Laughy Taffy.  In the middle of talking about Banana Land Socky said to me, "I miss Faith.  She used to take me and make Elijah chase after me. It was fun," and then the moment was over and we were talking about Banana Land again.

You are loved, my Lady, even Socky loves you.

Enjoy your fantastic day in Heaven,
Love ALWAYS and FOREVER,
Momma

Daddy misses his Baby Girl

Hi Faithie!  How is Heaven today?  I imagine the weather is perfect and Jesus is playing in Heaven's ocean with you.  You loved water so much and Heaven probably has a lot for you to play and splash in.

 

This weekend was the third month of your going to Heaven.  Daddy had a really hard time.  He didn't want to eat or talk or get out of bed.  He was angry you weren't here and he missed you terribly.  Momma's heart hurt for him because I knew what he was going through.  I know I cannot help him through it but just be there when he's ready to talk.

 

 You and your Daddy loved to have fun together.  He and you loved riding rides together.  Last year you two rode the Mount Everest at Animal Kingdom I think four times.  When we first took you to Cedar Point every ride was your playground.  Daddy and I loved riding different rides with you and hearing your laugh and seeing your smiles.  In five days it'll be a year since we traveled to Disney.  Oh I wish we were there and not here.

 

Baby Girl people forget about the Daddies after the death of a child.  I personally don't think it is on purpose.  The momma's probably receive the attention because maybe they are deemed more fragile? Or women in general understand the bond that mom's have with their child? I also wonder if men don't realize they need to call their friends during this time.  Also the daddies hurting have a hard time reaching out I think?  To be honest I don't know but I know I wanted to take away the pain from Daddy but I couldn't.  He misses you Baby.

 You two have grown so close over the last few years.  Faithie you were always there to say "Hi Daddy," when he'd come home from work.  Last January you two went to your first Daddy/Daughter dance.  He dressed in purple and so did you.  I'm so glad you went.  You also started to snuggle with him in the Family Room and would sometimes to pick riding with him.  You were starting to see Daddy as your Prince and I loved, loved, loved seeing it.  Faithie he adored you too.

 Daddy is doing much better today but still like me misses you.  We are forever always going to miss you.  There are going to be good days and there are going to be days where we don't want to get out of bed.  There are going to be days we wish we were with you and days where we are glad to be here in the land of the living.  Thank you for being our daughter for 10 wonderful years.

We both love you ALWAYS and FOREVER!!

Love,

Momma

Today was an okay day.  I thought I'd let my readers know.

I wish and If I knew

I Wish I knew and if I knew

 

I wish I knew it would be hard to breath everyday.

I wish I knew how to tell my arms to stop craving to hold you all the time.

 

I wish I knew how to stop my ears from trying to hear your voice.

I wish I knew how to hide and never come out.

I wish I knew if my ambition will return to finish school.

I wish I knew if my desire to be hired will come back.

I wish I knew why I want to die so much.

I wish I knew if Daddy was really ok or is he pretending to be to help me through this.

I wish I knew if I am being selfish and yet I know. 

 

I wish I knew what God considered suicide to be, especially if you're heart was breaking.

I wish I if knew Daddy and your brothers could live on without me and not hate me for leaving.

I wish I knew when I'd stop thinking about death all the time.

I wish I knew when this pain would stop when I breath.

I wish I knew how to attach to people again and not keep them at an arms length.

I wish I knew when my life will come to it's end.

I wish I knew you were going to die on November 7th around 6:00pm because I'd have never left you.  NEVER.

 

If I knew "our boys" would be ok without me, I'd take my life in a heartbeat.

If I knew that suicide was giving up on God,  I'd take all my sleeping pills at once.

If I knew it would cause even more heartache, I be glad to leave and open my eyes in Heaven.

If I knew Hell was a bigger option than Heaven, you'd be able to bet I'd be coming to you right now.

 

If I knew when the pain would go away, then maybe I could stop thinking about taking my life.

 

If I knew Faithie you were going to die on November 7th, I never would have left as your bus was pulling up.  I would have said goodbye my Little Lady.

I wish I knew and If I knew....

I have bad words running around my head

Dear Family and Friends,

Yup I bet this would surprise many of you and some not so much.  I am keeping these words firmly from my tongue but I am swirling today inside my brain.  After cleaning up my sewing area I came across patterns that I had planned to use for Faith. One was to make her a Dr dress and the other was to finish up her Elsa dress I made last year.

Elijah was next to me and I said out loud to him, "What the hell am I going to do with this frozen dress pattern now?"  Usually he says "Mo-ooo-mmm," but today he just looked at me and put his hand on my shoulder.  It's times like these I wish I could sink into a hole.

I feel like the only time I blog is about a sad moment and rarely good.  But I am being honest with everything.  I am tired of grieving.  I am tired of my heart hurting all the time.  In the beginning it was numb and shut down and I wish it still was.  Unfortunately it cannot. 

Tomorrow I have a second job interview.  I was called back for an individual interview.  There is a part of me that wants to sabotage the interview so I can stay hidden in my house and the other part that says get that job.

Up, down, Up, down over and over and over again.  I WANT OFF OF THIS RIDE!  I want off but I don't think God will give me that desire. 

The struggle is real family and friends.  The struggle to shower and clean and make dinner and get out of the bed and interact with my family it is all real.  It is real and that makes it even harder to swallow because she is NEVER coming home. It is real and today I have words of the unmannerly kind running around my head.

Thanks to all my friends and family who are not abandoning me and my family and who aren't judging us.  You are loved.

Love,
Heather

My Sheep are NAKED!!

Hi Faithie! How is your Heavenly view today? It's snowing like crazy here.  Your brothers don't have school tomorrow and if I had class it would have been cancelled. I love the snow.  It's really pretty outside. 

 

 

You should have seen Lacy walking outside to go potty.  The snow was above her knees.  I admit Baby we laughed watching her. 

 

Your brother Elijah was playing MineCraft today.  I watched him sheering the sheep and I could hear you in my head saying, "Elijah! Elijah my sheep are naked!" and hear him say, "That's cool Faithie".  You and your brother loved playing this game together.

 

In fact at your funeral, Elijah spoke about you and MineCraft.  He told everyone in the church about how you would build a Nether world and he'd erase it.  Then you would do it again and in an exasperated voice he said "I'd erase it over and over and tell my sister, You can't hide the Nether entrances from me."  It was so adorable listening to Elijah talk about MineCraft and you.

 

When he was done our Pastor stood up to talk and he said, "You should have seen that speech from my point of view.  The kids were all shaking their heads in agreement with Elijah and all the grown ups were like 'What is he talking about?' "  It was such a breathe deep and smile moment.

I will always miss you but today was a good day, My Little Love.  We are watching the Super Bowl right now.  GO Seattle! 

 

I love you ALWAYS and FOREVER

Love,

Momma