My Girl

My Girl

Friday, January 30, 2015

So who needs sleep anyways?

My Dearest Baby Girl,
I suck at sleep.  Let's be honest here, I've always been a night owl and would love to sleep in.  You see Momma loves the sunsets instead of the sunrises.  I think sunsets are beautiful. When we went Florida last year we took a boat ride.  Oh it was wonderful and I made sure to take the Dolphin ride that would be during the sunset.  That was so much fun and so beautiful.  Faithie I wish we were on that boat right now. To see the joy on your face and your brothers' faces and to hear all the laughter.  It was perfect.

It's hard to believe a year and 17 days we were heading to Florida.  I loved the whole trip.  It was my dream to give you and the boys that trip.
See Baby I love sunsets.  Today I probably going to see the sunrise because I just couldn't sleep last night.  I caught up on the Bachelor (Sorry Family it's a guilty pleasure), Criminal Minds, and Castle. 

We have some things to take care of regarding your passing and it's been keeping me up. I don't think sleeping is a good idea at this point.  I probably will miss the alarm and get the boys off to school.  To be honest my Love I was hoping for a 2 hour delay.  I don't think that is going to happen now.
Well I love you ALWAYS and FOREVER,
Your "Sleepy" Momma

Sunday, January 25, 2015

I am P.O'ed

Family and Friends,

I'm not happy.  I don't feel joyful at the moment.  In fact I feel really pissed off.  My daughter is gone and I'm pissed about that.  I have pictures all over my house of her or of her and her brothers. 

The pictures have become a constant reminder that this is the only way I will ever be able to see Faithie again.  They are taunting me saying, "na na na you can't hold her," "you can only see her in still life," "ha ha on you!  She isn't really here."

I want to smash every single picture frame because I am so angry she isn't here to hold or listen to. Those pictures mean memories to me but oh what I want most I cannot have.  I said I want to smash them, but the realistic part of me holds me back. It tells me if you smash those you'll sink into depression.  And why is that? It's because if I didn't have any reminders of my Baby Girl around this house, then it'd feel even more empty. 

However this week they, the pictures, are angering me.  My arms hurt to hold her one more time.  I'd give anything to hold her just one more time.

Please family and friends hold your loves closer tonight.  Give them a big "squeeze" (what Faithie called hugs) even if they don't want it.  If they are already asleep, give them a kiss on the forehead.  I beg of you to do this.  In all honestly you just never know what tomorrow may hold.  I'm hoping it holds Jesus' return.  That would be fantastic, awesome and amazing!!

Sorry Friends and Family for a not so positive letter today.  It's how I've been feeling this week. 

Thursday, January 22, 2015

The Photo Challenge

Hey Sweet Princess how are you doing up there in Heaven?  I am doing okay here, not great just okay.  My arms ache to hold you.  My lips miss kissing you at night and my mind daily thinks about you. 
I'm struggling now with blame.  I knew it was coming and I've held it at bay for a long time but it's hitting me now.  If we hadn't let you sit up in the front you would be here.  I struggle with did you die because of the air bag or because of the force of the crash and the seat belt pressure. We will never know which one caused your heart to become lacerated and cause you to take a last breath. Never.
As I drive by the accident site, I always think about you.  Did you feel it, Faithie? Were you scared or did you even have a chance to be scared? Did you scream? I know you didn't cry because according to the autopsy you died instantly.  Did you see the angels come to you?  Did you happily go with them? 
I often ask God and you why didn't you just hold on for a little longer?  Why did you leave before I could say, "I love you Baby Girl.  It's okay. You can go be with your Heavenly Daddy now."  Faithie please forgive but sometimes I get mad at you for leaving.  You were such a strong healthy child and I don't understand why your body betrayed you in the end. 
I'm angry that I didn't get to kiss your lips goodbye.  You had a trach in your mouth and therefore made it so I couldn't even touch them..  I had to settle for just your forehead.  That wasn't fair.  You died before I could say I love you one more time.  Your hands were already cold when I arrived at the hospital.  You had leaves in your hair from the ground.  Your clothes had been cut off to try and save you.  Your eyes were halfway opened when I arrived.  What did you see Baby?  Were you scared?
I miss your laugh like crazy lately.  I miss all of you; all of you.
One thing I am so grateful for is I have no regrets from that day.  When I dropped you off at school late, you ran out of your classroom.  I heard the teachers yell, "Faithie!"  I turned around and there you were.  I said, "alright come on" and you ran to me and jumped in my arms for one last hug and kiss.  I replay that a lot in my mind.  I can see your smile and imagine your touch.  I just wish I knew that was the last time I'd hold you because I would have held you longer; oh so much longer.
I look back on my life with you and your brothers and my only regret is that I used to yell a lot.  I used to scream and swear in front of you guys. It took me years to figure out how to do this momma thing.  It was only in the last year that I have prayed about it and have given it to God.  He has been healing me of it.  I have found more peace in not fighting with you, the boys or daddy.  It's been easier to take deep breaths and figure out a different answer to the problem that had risen.
One thing I have absolutely no regrets on is how much I loved you and still do.  I always told you and your brothers everyday.  I still do today.  I never wanted you all to grow up and have to go to counseling because your momma was unsupportive, hateful and never showed you love.  I believe in my heart counseling will be for other reasons like "Geez do you remember when mom made us walk to school?"  (Smile)
Faithie I am doing this photo challenge of different things to take pictures of for 30 days.  It has been kind of fun and healing.  Today, Day 14, was a hard one.  It is somewhere you went.  I put all the pictures of places I've gone since you left us.
I am so glad that when you were here we took you some great places!  My favorite was taking you to Disney.  You had so much fun riding the rides and meeting every character.  Oh Faithie I really wish I could go back into time and just freeze us at Disney, the Happiest Place in the World.  It's going to be fun and bittersweet when we go in 2016.

So anyway this photo challenge.  I decided I could not pick one place because all of these places since the day of your homecoming have shaped who I am becoming.  I'm discovering the idea of being home sucks, it really, really, really sucks.  I cannot express how much it hurts to go places and you aren't there.  I never can truly escape what happened because I don't hear your voice or see you.  I don't see your smile or feel your hand in mine as we walk.  My back doesn't hurt at the end of a day because I don't have a beautiful 90lb child on it.  BUT, sweet Faithie, life must continue to move forward and so we did that in the last two months by going different places.
The first picture in the photo collage is a hockey picture.  We have gone to two hockey games after your passing.  The first one we went to when we were left alone for the first time after your funeral.  Daddy and I couldn't take the quiet so we decided it would be fun to go to a game.  For a few minutes we just laughed and smiled.  Then we went home.
The second game K-Wings paid for our tickets.  They also gave your brothers each a hockey stick with the players signatures on it.  They were so happy.  Before the game we were able to sit on their bench and watch the K-Wings practice.  It was pretty cool.  After the game we went skating on the hockey rink and met some players. I love Faithie how our community came together to support us.  I cannot express the gratitude and love I have for people here.
From the hockey games I learned how much I love sports and how much my family loves us.  Uncle Tim arranged for the free tickets and he and his family were at the game with us.  It's great to have such a supportive, loving family.
The second picture is Trever standing under the Dump Bucket at Great Wolf Lodge.  Our school held a fundraiser for us and paid for us to go here.  A member in our community gracefully let us use their vehicle to drive to Traverse City. Faith you know our family, we don't do normal and safe.  Instead of waiting a few days to go, we drove in a serious snow storm.  A trip that should have been only 3 hours was close to 6 1/2 hours.  We made it and had a good time.  I really missed you though.  I know how much you love water and you would have had a great time here.
This trip showed me that my hometown IS AWESOME!  The support and love they have given us is WONDERFUL.
In the third picture we took Trever to WWE Smackdown for his birthday.  You loved the Undertaker and you'd watch Raw with us on Mondays.  Baby you never stayed very long but you liked playing it on the PlayStation. Trever was truly surprised when we arrived at the stadium.  I screamed like a fool but had so much fun!  Again though I wished you were with us.
I didn't really learn anything new on this trip.   It showed me how much I love surprising people I love!!!
 For Christmas instead of going to Mema and Papa Hall's house we stayed at my grandparents. It was warm there and my sweet grandma doesn't remember a lot.  She just kept hugging me and would say, "I'm so glad you're here."  I know Faithie she really was glad. In all honesty I don't think she remembered why you weren't.  We didn't say anything because we didn't want to make her cry.  Your brother Elijah had a blast with Great Papa.  They even walked a mile together to get the morning newspaper.  The boys have asked us if we can go back again.  I think you too would have enjoyed yourself.  I really love my grandparents house.  IF I was super mega rich I'd buy that house for a summer home.
I'm so glad Daddy suggested staying here.  Nobody knows how much time we have on this world and I 'm glad to have this time with my childhood heroes, AND so glad the boys had fun.
After Christmas we went to a friends house.  I struggled a lot, Faithie, while there.  My friends were making cookies and I began to miss you like crazy.  You loved to make cookies with me and eat the cookie dough.  Do you remember this picture?  You had a huge handful of dough to eat.  In the picture is half of the dough you had left.
I'm finding you never know what will trigger crying and deep sadness. While I was there I retreated a lot to where Daddy and your brothers were.  I guess looking back on it I should have not come but I didn't know that was going to happen. I was really looking forward to the weekend.  I may be ready to do something and then all of a sudden it hits you're not there.  You Faithie will never physically be there again. I know that I have changed and it IS because you are gone. 
This trip showed me that I've changed and will never be the same girl.  I will randomly start crying or my heart will race really fast when I hear a song, see an ambulance, car accident, or some random purple thing. I truly don't know my triggers.  As I was writing this I started off happy but ended up in heavy tears and a plugged up nose.  I just don't know what will cause it.
The trips to Chicago and Universal were trips of me running away from home.  I didn't learn anything from them other that I missed you but am still having fun and enjoying life.  I am willing to share my faith with random people too.
So Faithie, my Little Love, I miss you.  I miss, miss, miss you.  I love writing to you and sharing my thoughts.  I know people may not like what I have to say but I'm being honest.  I love life and I hate it.  I love doing thing and hate it too because you're not here. 

Thank you Faithie for being my beautiful princess here and letting me love you.
I love you ALWAYS and FOREVER,

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

I want you here Faithie :-(

I'm so EXCITED!!

Baby Girl,
Guess what??? Your momma has a job interview today.  It is for runaway teens and it's a shelter care worker.  A friend from church told me about this job and suggested I put in an application. The center is doing group interviews today at 3:00.  Can you tell Jesus for me that I would really love this job, well I think I will love it.  It's in the field I want to major in at college.
So today baby, no tears.  I'm wearing the necklace that was given to me after you left as a way of having you close by.  I'm so excited Faithie!! I'd be dancing around the house with you if you were here.  Since you're in Heaven dance up a storm for momma!!!!!!
Love you ALWAYS and FOREVER,

Saturday, January 17, 2015

One moment up, one moment down, one moment of whatever decides to hit

Faithie I as always missed you this week.  I actually had a pretty good week and cried a little. This week I listened to music on my own in the car.  I have Matt Redman's 10,000 Reasons on my phone and I hooked it up to the car.  Every time "Never Once" came on I'd belt out singing.  I said it before that song deeply hits me. Just hearing it to music about God never leaving me alone, especially during this time, just fills me up with love.
Daddy had that wonderful dream twice this week. He was so happy on the day of his birthday and happy because of that dream.  At the end of the night after watching a movie together he was sad.  It hit him all of a sudden that we just celebrated his birthday, a holiday you loved celebrating, and you weren't with us.  He went upstairs to let it out and I went into your room and just cried.  It's another first for us.  It stinks. 

 For Daddy's birthday we went to Universal for the day.  I wish you were there.  And we both wish you were here on Tuesday, the day of his birthday.
Well like I said it has been a pretty good week.  I've felt anger this week and that was a first for me.  I'm angry you're not here anymore, angry that "the Kid" pulled out in front of Daddy, angry that I cannot kiss and hug you anymore, angry that when people talk you're voice is missing.  I believe that these anger moments are acceptable.  I am not hurting anyone in this anger and I am praying about it as I go.  I'm thankful that I serve and love a God who is bigger than this.
Daddy wanted me to not smile in the picture.  :-)  It wasn't easy but I did it. 
So speaking of being angry, I was mad at Daddy on Friday.  He invited someone over to come help me clean and sprung it on me.  He also invited his parents over for the weekend without asking me first.  I was irritated because he didn't ask.
So at therapy I ran ahead of him to sit in the chair that he normally likes.  He laughed because he knew exactly what I was doing. Our poor therapists had no clue and was worried we were really fighting.  This is just how we fight most times.  It's very hard to stay mad at Daddy because his heart was right. I even let him have his chair back, mainly because I like to stare out the window during therapy and I couldn't in his chair.

Faithie your Daddy was right I needed that visit from my friend.  She not only helped me but she chit chatted with me and it was nice.  I'm so thankful for the friends God has brought us during this time and for the ones who are staying around.  There are moments of blessings in the this sadness. 
Yesterday though I was both happy and sad.  Your big brother had his first basketball game.  Last year you had so much fun cheering your brother on and after the games shooting the ball with Daddy.  Trev did really good.  My heart was filled with joy watching him.  He has come so far since last year.  I can hear you in my head saying, "Good Job Trever!!!"
Well that was my happy, my sad hit when I momentarily forgot you were in Heaven.  We were exiting the gym and I started to say out loud, "Faithie be careful crossing the street."  I stopped at Faithie realizing I don't have to worry about you crossing the street.
I started crying and Daddy came over to my side of the car and held me tight and let me cry.  We stood there for a few minutes until I was okay to drive.  Your boys asked me if I was crying and I said yes.  Elijah hasn't panicked the last few times and has told me he is ok with it now because he knows I still love him but I need to have moments of tears.  My heart hurt for about an hour afterwards because I wished you were here.  I love you my sweet princess.
Today the boys are going sledding with Papa.  I couldn't go.  You love sledding with us.  I'm not ready to do that yet.  I just miss you too much to go.  The pictures below are from when we went two years ago in February.  You were so full of joy on the hills. 
Don't worry though I will go again.  I am not hiding from life. I do want to sometimes but I know that you wouldn't want me to nor would our Savior.  But for today I am drinking my coffee and watching The Hobbit.  You're in my heart Lady.
I love you ALWAYS and FOREVER,

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Save the date, although not sure when yet

Guess what today is Faithie?  It's Daddy's 38th birthday!!!!  He is the same age as me for six months and then, boo, I go up in age (But don't tell anyone).  Last night he had a dream and saw you in it.  In the beginning of the grieving Daddy would dream about the accident and see you.  Over the last month he wasn't dreaming at all.  Zero dreams, Love, meant he wasn't seeing you at night anymore.
Nighttime is hard for both of us.  We've always been "night owls" but it's kind of boarding towards "never want to sleep owls".  I do believe on average we fall asleep around 2:00 am.  I have medicine prescribed to help me sleep but I honestly only take it every now and then because I want to stay awake.  I want to keep the next day from coming.
Well, my little Lady, God came through last night for Daddy.  He gave him a dream so wonderful and about you that Daddy woke up at 5:20 so joyously happy.  He tried to tell me about the dream at that time but I'm afraid my brain wouldn't cooperate and wake up all the way. 
Daddy was on the happy cloud.  He posted this on facebook:
Have you ever woke up from a dream remember ever little detail of the dream? That happened to me this morning. I woke up at 5:20. I will get to the end what means but it's all crazy. I'll keep it short, I may have Heather Marie post the whole version on her blog. I was at my church, in the open area the kids wing. It's where they setup potlucks, birthday parties and so on. It was setup for a birthday party. All the tables had purple table clothes, all the chairs had a purple star tied to them. On the tables was a vase contains a variety of purple flowers. Upstairs was only one person at it was Faith. She could see everything going on. We were having a party for her without her. She was so happy. Faith's birthday is 5/20 and today is my birthday. Pretty cool.
Well Daddy described it in great detail when he came home from work to have breakfast with me and Elijah.  (Elijah wanted to make him a Birthday Breakfast so he left work and came to have it with us.)
So here it is from everything I remember:
He dreamt it was your birthday and there was a party going on at our church. He told me how it was decorated and the colors were all your favorites.  So this is how I saw his dream as he talked:

The picture with the star balloon is from our house right now.  Faithie your very first pastor and his wife bought us four star balloons and attached them to rabbit garden stone. (We are going to put it in our garden this year.)  There was a saying attached to the balloons.  It said:
We started out with five balloons but one slipped away and went up to Heaven, just like Faith.
Well all of these balloons are still floating. They have lost some air but it fills us up to see them still floating.  AND in Daddy's dream this is the shape of the balloons.
Daddy then described you.  You were wearing the white bridal I made you last year for Halloween.  You had on the Rapunzel hat you bought as a souvenir from Disney.  On your hands were white dress gloves.  (You loved wearing gloves and creating gloves out of paper.)

He went onto to say that this was a party to honor you on your birthday.  The kids wing was full of people.  There were so many people in the area that some stood. In the dream everyone bought presents for babies and children.  It was for the Pregnancy Center. The last present that was opened was covered in a blanket that had butterflies on it.  The head of the Pregnancy Center removed the blanket and it was a crib from your Daddy and Momma.  The crib was filled with diapers.
 It was a party for you but you up looking down at us from the balcony. Daddy looked up at the balcony and he could see you watching over us during this party.  You were letting Daddy know that you are always here with us in our hearts and that you approved of how we celebrated you.
Daddy was so happy, My Love, to see you I believe the most.  My heart is full of love at the joy in his eyes as he told me about this dream. 
Faithie Daddy woke up at 5:20.  You were born on 5/20 in 2004.  How amazing is that!  Before Daddy described the dream he told me this, "I know what we are doing for Faithie's birthday this year."
So yesterday I was out and about all by myself most of the day.  It's hard being home Baby.  As I was out I was actually listening to music on my own.  I haven't really done that in a few months.  I decided to listen to Matt Redman's 10,000 Reasons.  It was your dad's Aunt Velma's favorite song.  Her family listened to it and held tight to the words.  A few songs later the song, "Never Once" came on and it rang right into my heart
Here is the song on YouTube with lyrics.  I love it.
Here are some of the lyrics:
Standing on this mountaintop
Looking just how far we've come
Knowing that for every step
You were with us
Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You've done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us
Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
 Well Faithie this song just resonated deeply with me.  Here on Earth there are battles going on everyday.  There are physical battles like wars, sicknesses', etc.  There are spiritual battles like with Mr. Jason on Sunday.  Daddy and I are willing to stand on the front lines for Christ.  I think it's scary because it opens us up to attacks but as the song says God is Faithful.
As I was driving and singing and talking to God I told him since my Princess went to see him, I'm more free about sharing of my love with Jesus and how forgiveness is truly releasing.  As I listened to the song over and over again and praying I asked God what can I do?  I told him I love to talk and would love to just start reaching out to people. 
Jamie and I said that we wanted to do some kind of charity thing or something like that when you passed and people generously gave to us.  At that time Daddy wanted to do something heart based. He wanted to start some kind of program to help people receive echo's if they don't have insurance.  We only talked about it a couple of times but in the beginning your mind truthfully travels everywhere.
After feeling a desire to do something in your honor and share God's grace, God gave Daddy the beautiful dream.  I think it was God's way of confirming this is the right path.  I know He's not done telling us exactly what to do with all of this but I know that we are having a birthday party for you in May.  I can definitely see you standing on the balcony with Jesus and holding hands and watching with joy and approval.
I cannot wait to see the whole dream and God' direction continue to take shape.  Right now it's in a dream but if we keep asking and opening ourselves up to Him I know he'll show us how to take these right steps.
So I leave you my Lady with lots of love from earth here.

 Mackenzie visited you today.  She made the snow angel for you and left flowers in purple water.  She loves you Baby.  Enjoy the view.
Love Always and Forever,
Dear Freinds and Family,
Save the date!!  We are going to have this party for Faithie.  We have five months to get all the details together.  It will probably be on the weekend before Faith's birthday or the weekend after.  Please save the dates and once we settle on one I'll give you the actual date.  For now it's either May 16th (Saturday) or May 23rd (Saturday)
Thanks for reading this and joining us on this journey!

Monday, January 12, 2015

Finally slowing down to a jog

I have been running from admitting you died.  I even avoid saying you died.  The words I say are usually, "Faithie's home.  Faithie is in Heaven.  My Baby Girl left us.  She passed."  To say you are dead sounds so cold and causes my breath to slip away when I try to say it. 
So since you're homecoming two months ago, I've taken this family everywhere.  It's easier to keep living in denial that way that you aren't here.   After you left I'd take us to Mema and Papa's house, Ms Tish's house, my grandparents, Chicago, day trips to anywhere; anything to keep me from home.
When I am at home, Faithie, I change.  The thought of you not walking through those doors crushes me.  Your voice is missing, your touch is gone, your messes aren't here, and most of all your kisses are being given to the One who adores you.  I go into your room every now and then, or stare at your door from my bedroom just willing you to come out.  That is all in vain though because you're singing, dancing, playing, and worshipping the One who loves you a bit more than me.
Daddy's birthday is tomorrow.  I planned a surprise for Daddy's birthday.  It was a day trip to Orlando, FL.  The plane tickets were ordered, a yucky motel, a rental car, and one day tickets to Universal Studios.
We left Saturday night at 7:00 pm and arrived in Florida at midnight. The boys were so scared at first in the plane. Elijah kept saying, "Oh my! Oh my!  I don't wanna do this now!!" and Trever gripped my arm the first few minutes the plane starting going up in the air. Once up they both smiled and said, "that was cool"
We found our rental car and hotel and went to sleep because the next day were going to Universal Island of Adventure.  We had fun.  But I wish you were there.  I cried as we waited in line for the ride in the picture below.  You had such a thrill seeking heart for adventure and would have loved every single ride we went on.  The boys aren't adventurous like that. 

While there Elijah met his favorite super hero: Captain America.  He was pretty cool, Sis. He talked to every person that came to take a picture with him.  Captain let your brother hold the shield. Elijah was thrilled and said it was really heavy.
We are a physical family of four, but a forever family of five.  We even called ourselves the Fantastic Five and will always do so.  So even though you're not in this picture your in all four of our hearts.

I think this ride was more freaky than the Harry Potter one but your brothers thought it was AWESOME!!!  In my heart you'd have asked to go on it over and over and over again.  This was our last ride.
It sprinkled a bit during the day and I thought of you.  You loved rain and it was a warm one.  Baby Girl you're amazing!!!  I will  think of you often.
After we left we went to the airport to catch a ride home.  Yes dear we did this all in 24 hours. It was fun and won't be done again anytime soon.
Here's something new that I do since you went to Jesus.  My faith is so important to me now that I don't shy away from talking about Jesus.  If a chance comes up, then I allow God to talk through me.  He's amazing but I know you know that now first hand.

Well on the plane ride home I talked to a Mr. Jason for two hours.  I was able to share with him about you and how much I loved you. He was a bit tipsy and loved to talk.  I loved talking with him.  He'd talk, I listened and I talk and he'd listen. Mr. Jason told me a few times he's not a religious person but thinks some people need it.  He told me that some religious people just don't seem real.
I told Mr. Jason it wasn't a religion to me, yes if asked I am a Christian but it is more than that.  It is a relationship.  It's a love thing. I told him about your AWANA book and where I discovered a drawing you did. (To my readers I'll write about the picture later) It was about God and you.  I said, "I'm sad and mad but I know I'll see her again because we both love Jesus."
When he told me for like the fourth time he's not religious but some people need it, I said, "not some but all.  It's a relationship and everyone can have it."
Faithie if you hear me down hear can you ask God to send someone to water the seed planted yesterday with Mr. Jason?  He's married to a Ms Melissa and has an Emmie who is 5 and a Lilly who is 14 months old.  Before he left the plane I told him, "don't go to the bar tonight like you want to but go home and hug all three of your girls."
I hope he did that. 
Well Baby I shall sign off. 
I love you ALWAYS and FOREVER,

Thursday, January 8, 2015

Praise You in the Storm

~~Praise You In The Storm~~
Casting Crowns
I was sure by now, God you would have reached down
And wiped our tears away,
Stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
That it's still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear your whisper through the rain
I'm with you
And as your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
The God who gives and takes away
And I'll praise you in this storm
And I will lift my hands
That you are who you are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone how can I carry on
If I can't find you
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear you whisper through the rain
I'm with you
And as your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
The God who gives and takes away

And I'll praise you in this storm
And I will lift my hands
That you are who you are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The maker of heaven and earth

And I'll praise you in this storm
And I will lift my hands
That you are who you are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm

And though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm
 (This picture is from Halloween 2013)

Good Evening my Little Lady.
Your mommy is trying to continue to Praise God in the storm going on around us right now.  As of right now we are in the midst of a physical storm: a winter one!  It has caused the boys to have the last two days off from school and it is cancelled already for tomorrow.  I'm glad for that because I really want to keep them close by.  I know Faithie that I need to let them go and I am, it's just sometimes I need their presence still.  I need it more than ever lately.

Yesterday we recognized as two months away from when we last held you in our arms, talked to you, loved on you and heard your last breath.  It was overall an okay day. Daddy and I had therapy in the morning and I took him to work afterwards.  When I came home, the boys played PlayStation and I slept for four hours.  There are days my Little Lady that I do that.  Afterwards we went to a store to exchange something and pick Daddy up from work.  I decided we were going to my favorite place, Olive Garden for dinner.  It was delicious.  Well actually I had a Sangria/ Margarita drink and three of them at that.  The boys picked on me a bit but they know that we don't drink much alcohol.  I think the last drink I had was before your going to Heaven.  I just needed a stress reliever and that gave it too me.  I also ate a lot of the salad.  I could eat and eat the salad there.  It's my favorite.

Speaking of favorites, we haven't made spaghetti.  It was your favorite and it's too hard to make it.  I wish you were here because I'd make you a big pan full with no meat in the sauce. 

After dinner we went to Toy R Us.  Your brothers shoveled the driveway and the side road the day before and earned some money.  They couldn't wait to spend it.  So we took them there and went home. 

So it was an okay day for being 2 months away. 

Today Faithie I went grocery shopping for the first time, in the beginning of the winter storm.  I missed you riding in the car with me.  I even teared up when I saw the twins that used to be in your classroom at Meijer.  I know one of them used to call you "his princess". 

Sweet girl I have a feeling that you're going to Heaven is the beginning of  a storm here for us.  There are some things coming up that I think may turn ugly: court, Daddy's heart surgery, the new/used car acting up, and I prayed to the Holy Spirit today to help intercede for us.  I prayed to God to put his army of angels around us.  I even listened to the song above and said, "Father, I will keep my faith in you during this time.  Please help guard my heart because it can easily become angry."

I hope I am more or less borrowing trouble and the car issue will be fixed easy, the court thing will blow over, and Daddy will have zero complications from surgery.  I pray for restoration and healing in friendships and continued forgiveness to the Kid.

I do miss you though.  I'm a bit teary eyed tonight but I am moving forward like I know you would want for us.  We all are but we talk about you daily.
Love you Always and Forever,

For everyone who made it this far in reading, here is the link to the Live Version of Casting Crowns singing the song: Praise you in the Storm

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

About time

If you have been around me for the last two months, you'll know that I am struggling even worse than normal with cleaning.  Well today a little bit of motivation hit and with some help from Jamie our bedroom and bathroom look fabulous again!!  Pictures here prove I actually did more than sleep today.
Dear Faithie,
Unfortunately cleaning distracted me from thinking out you, Faithie, and when I realized that I cried.  I never want to get to the point where I don't think of you in a day.  You are never far from my mind but this last 4 hours you were not consuming my every thought.  It feels bad that you weren't.  I don't know why nor can I ever truly explain it.  It is what it is, I suppose.  Tomorrow marks 2 months since the call and your last breath.  I love you.
Your Momma
On a different note, Jamie and I have decided we are going to be the random couple that visits court rooms.  We were kind of entertained today (yes I know we shouldn't have been but hey, what can I say?)
We learned some valuable things today:
1.) Don't get caught with Marijuana in your hands
2.) Don't get caught selling Marijuana to someone
3.) Don't let you dog bite someone
4.) GET DOG TAGS people!!  Seriously you could go to jail for 3 months if you don't.  I was like whoa!!
5.) Don't buy something you know is stolen because if you get caught you will have to pay.
We went to court today to hear the pretrial for the Kid but his defense attorney had it adjourned until the 23rd of January.  I don't know all the reasons behind except I think they want to go to trial so the Kid doesn't have a record of wrong doing.  We don't want jail time for him but who knows what will happen.  I guess we'll find out in 2 weeks.
Thanks for reading and praying!!  We love you all and greatly appreciate everything you all have done for us.

Monday, January 5, 2015

A month of firsts

Good Afternoon Baby Girl.  It is almost 2 months from the time I heard your daddy on the phone tell me, "She didn't make it Babe."  I remember just dropping the phone to the floor of the van and said out loud, "I don't have a daughter anymore."  After that my body and mind went on auto pilot and went into complete shock and a strange numbness.  My heart hurt but I was temporarily shut down in my mind.  Avoidance has been my friend and in that case it creates denial.  We did so many things in the last two months just so I didn't have to be home.  Whenever I am home I cannot hear your voice or feel your hand in mine and it causes it hurt beyond a like none I have ever experienced. 
I love that you wrote on the doors of your bedroom and your brothers.  It's a memory I will have physically with me.  The first here was the night we were all alone.  It was just me, daddy, Elijah and Trever were alone for the evening.  Daddy went to tuck in the boys and I just stood at your and looked in your room and cried.  I miss, miss, miss tucking you in at night.  Elijah doesn't like to see me cry my princess.  He was your protector and when I cry he panics and he wants me to stop and be happy.
Faithie you and I could have the world's worst day and everything would right itself at nighttime.  You and I always prayed and snuggled together until you fell asleep.  There were days I would only pray and watch you put your pillow over your head and turn to face the wall.  Some nights you'd say, "Snuggle Please" and I would lay with you.  After Disney and you bought a Frozen CD we'd listen to all the songs with words for about 2 months straight.  I was not able to leave unless you fell asleep or until the orchestra scores came on.  Oh I miss those moments and the first night of just the four of us and not tucking you in made it hard to breath.  I do know in my heart that your nights and days with Jesus tucking you in are perfect beyond words!!!
You grew to love football.  I'm so glad I stuck it out with cheerleading this fall.  I was so going to quit taking you because I never thought you were going to be able to get over the noise of the cheers and enjoy yourself.  Baby Girl tell you daddy here thanks for pushing me to take you.  You were such a joy to watch.  The parents of the players loved watching you go from not cheering to jumping and cheering!!
On November 29th, 2014 we watched the Ohio State Buckeyes take down the Michigan Wolverines.  It is also our first family picture without your physical presence.  We had you represented in your cheerleading picture.  It was a first I never wanted to experience but know that we must keep moving forward.  Your brothers need us to continue to move forward and not become stuck in depression and everyday sadness.  I know you wouldn't want us to be that way too!!!
I think our first "new" family picture turned out beautiful.  What do you think, my Lady Love.
Another first you missed was going to find our Christmas Tree.  You had so much fun going with us and cutting down a tree.  I am so glad that we started that tradition four years ago.  We've had so many fun memories from those times.  I saw our tree right away this year but let the boys look a bit more.  We still did the hat tradition we started 3 years ago.  Trever is wearing your purple hat we bought to make sure your presence was with us.  You are always in our hearts.  This first was hard but fun too.  It is strange Faithie how I am able to be happy at times while still missing you.  You are always in my heart and mind.
For our first Christmas without you we choose to stay at my grandma and grandpa.  It's the first time we have even done this in all the years we've celebrated Christmas.  Daddy wanted to me around family at Christmas but not wake up at Mema and Papa's house.  It was too much for us. 
We had a good time.  Great Mema has something called Alzheimer's and she has a hard time remembering things.  She was really happy we were there.  She kept hugging me and would say, "I'm so happy you're here."  It filled my heart with joy. 
Our first Christmas was perfect in the way that it can be when someone you love is missing.  I firmly believe your first Christmas in Heaven is completely indescribable and lovely!!! 

Daddy and I took the boys and Mema and Papa to Chicago right before New Years.  We wanted to do something fun one more time before the new year started.  You would have loved, loved, loved it.  We were going to go on train but I in my sad, confused mind accidentally picked the tickets for 9 pm not 9 am.  This means we ended up driving all the way.  It was a spontaneous trip. My heart wasn't ready to be home yet. It never is really.
I was planning on taking you to Chicago this summer on a train because we know how much you love them.  It was going to be your first.  I thought about you everywhere we went while there.  We traveled in taxis and your brothers thought that was awesome.  This was a first where I was happy for a while until stuff happened.  It's amazing how quickly I can go from happy to sad. 
Your daddy is amazing.  He has been so supportive of me and protective of me.  Faithie you should see him.  He brings smiles to my face when I'm just wanting to hide under my blankets.   

This is you praying last year at the Hall Christmas party.  We've gone to the Hall Christmas party ever since Daddy and I said, "I do"  You always had fun and loved helping people open their presents.
This year we didn't have it until after Christmas.  I loved everyone who showed up.  It was a fun and nice time.  I missed seeing you there.  I thought of you as we drove home and the snow starting coming down.  Baby Girl, moving forward is hard but I'm doing it.  I know our Lord is covering us with his angels and hugging you closely. 
Happy New Year my Little Love!!!
Love Always,

Friday, January 2, 2015


Well my Little Lady your momma slept too much yesterday in the day and so sleep for me is a no go. It is 5:19 am and I have not slept at all since the afternoon.  Oops.

I struggled with bouts of insomnia before and have gotten a bit worse since you went to Heaven.  I wonder if it makes sense to even try and sleep now.  Hmmmm.....

Love you always,

Thursday, January 1, 2015

Faithie this is how I am doing....

Hey Baby Girl,
Yesterday was really hard for me.  After some stuff I felt I needed to tell everyone how I felt and that I am not really ok even though people may think I am.  I really miss you.

Friends and Family,
When your heart reaches a new kind of broken there are no real words to describe how much it hurts to breathe. It's a broken like no other. You pretend to move forward but acknowledge to some that you don't want to because that means accepting the loss.
I may have given people a false sense that I am fine because of all we have done since Faithie went to be with our Lord. What people don't realize is some of these things:...
1.) I don't day dream anymore or read a book (used to all the time)
2.) I only listen to music when my family is in the car but not by myself (always needed music)
3.) I don't enjoy singing anymore (even in church)
4.) TV no longer is my place of enjoyment (even my favorite shows hold nothing on me)
5.) trivial things annoy me more than every
6.) I cannot keep up on my house (doing worse than I did before)
7.) If I cry Elijah panics (making crying hard to do but I still do it and then have to reassure him it's going to be okay someday)
8.) I don't like to let Jamie be far away (I am normally an independent type of person but panic if he is far away now)
9.) I wish more than anything I was in Heaven instead of here but please know I'd never do anything to make that homecoming quicker. I'm waiting on God to take me.
10.) I am taking trips to try and avoid as much as possible that my daughter is gone. I may look happy but if you really know me and see me you'll know that pictures can lie. My heart is in two places and therefore I cannot truly get out of my funk. I want her here more than anything but know that we need to move forward. I am just avoiding and will do so until my therapist says I need to stop doing so.
11.) I am broken and will never, ever be the same.

I am going to leave Facebook for a while. If you want to get a hold of me just email me at or call me if you know my number. I may not answer right away because I have temporarily misplaced my phone. My memory is shot along with other things.
I wish I could go back into time and freeze it. I'd never let go of my daughter or my boys the night before.
Retreating is the only thing I know to do right now. I'm not trying to be a selfish person. I just don't know how to do this grieving thing and it hasn't been two months yet. So forgive me if you think I am and pray for me because I fight depression every day and haven't succumbed yet.
Love you all,

Happy New Year, My Princess

Dear Faithie,
Today is the first day of the year 2015 and it started not so pretty.  Last night I didn't fall asleep until about 1:00 am and woke up with a terrible, pounding headache at 10ish.  I came downstairs to see your brother, Elijah, playing on the PlayStation.  He nicely turned it off for me and let me watch some TV but I fell asleep for another two hours.  Daddy woke me up for brunch at noon.  I'll be honest my baby girl, I didn't want to wake up.  I don't want to start a new year without you in it.  After brunch I went upstairs and fell asleep for another 2hours.  Daddy is scared when I become so sad and depressed.  He tried to make me wake up.  Eventually I did and finally dressed for the day.  I decided to go out for lunch by myself and planned on visiting your body's resting place.
It's quiet here in the cemetery.  Today it is very cold but I still sat down to talk to you.  I wonder if you can hear me in Heaven or only God.  In my prayers everyday I ask him to hug you and kiss you for me.  He sends me random purple things in a day for me to see.  It reminds me that you are safe and happy where you are and that our Lord is watching over your family here.  When I was sitting down by your resting place, I saw some purple flowers many graves over.  That is just an example of how random it is.
Your sweet friend, Mackenzie, is very broken hearted.  She came to visit you on Christmas day and left you a necklace.  I put it in a safe place for you.  The necklace is half of a heart which says Best Friend.  My heart hurts for her because she no longer is innocent of death.  I gave her a present of you and her in a picture frame and a bear made out of some of your T-Shirts.  She wanted a hug from me and you know how hard it is for her to hug anyone.  She shied up when she came to me but but her momma told me what she wanted.  So I hugged her and kissed her on the top of the head like I would have you.  I am praying she will find another friend who understands her like you did.  She loves you. The picture you see here is the one I printed for her.  I love, love your smiles here.
Today was emotionally hard for me. I cried so hard when talking to you and then to God.  I couldn't stop when I arrived home.  My P.J.'s came back on and my blankets welcomed me.  Daddy again was worried about me and tried to make me come watch football or just come downstairs and cry.  Once I stood up your room called me.  There I laid down on your bed and sobbed.  My heart hurts so much and the idea of never hugging you again or tucking you in knocks the wind out of me. I wish more than anything you were still in your room like you are in this picture.  I wish your room was messy still and I had to climb over your stuff to come tuck you in.  Instead it's clean and empty of you.
After I stayed in your room a bit Daddy and Elijah came up to help me up.  I just went to my knees on your floor next to your bed and sobbed.  Eventually Daddy helped me up and I left your room.  I just miss you so much Faithie.  My heart wants you here but my mind knows that you are in a place that is amazing and perfect.  You are dancing and singing and talking to your two Great Papas, your Great Mema, your Great Aunt and Jesus.  You're smiling and laughing and will never be hurt again here.  You are safe in Jesus arms and even though I know all this and it gives me some comfort, my arms are empty and missing you.
So today is the New Year and will be different from the others. Happy New Year my Lady.
Love Always,