Thursday, January 22, 2015

The Photo Challenge

Hey Sweet Princess how are you doing up there in Heaven?  I am doing okay here, not great just okay.  My arms ache to hold you.  My lips miss kissing you at night and my mind daily thinks about you. 
 
I'm struggling now with blame.  I knew it was coming and I've held it at bay for a long time but it's hitting me now.  If we hadn't let you sit up in the front you would be here.  I struggle with did you die because of the air bag or because of the force of the crash and the seat belt pressure. We will never know which one caused your heart to become lacerated and cause you to take a last breath. Never.
 
As I drive by the accident site, I always think about you.  Did you feel it, Faithie? Were you scared or did you even have a chance to be scared? Did you scream? I know you didn't cry because according to the autopsy you died instantly.  Did you see the angels come to you?  Did you happily go with them? 
 
I often ask God and you why didn't you just hold on for a little longer?  Why did you leave before I could say, "I love you Baby Girl.  It's okay. You can go be with your Heavenly Daddy now."  Faithie please forgive but sometimes I get mad at you for leaving.  You were such a strong healthy child and I don't understand why your body betrayed you in the end. 
 
I'm angry that I didn't get to kiss your lips goodbye.  You had a trach in your mouth and therefore made it so I couldn't even touch them..  I had to settle for just your forehead.  That wasn't fair.  You died before I could say I love you one more time.  Your hands were already cold when I arrived at the hospital.  You had leaves in your hair from the ground.  Your clothes had been cut off to try and save you.  Your eyes were halfway opened when I arrived.  What did you see Baby?  Were you scared?
I miss your laugh like crazy lately.  I miss all of you; all of you.
One thing I am so grateful for is I have no regrets from that day.  When I dropped you off at school late, you ran out of your classroom.  I heard the teachers yell, "Faithie!"  I turned around and there you were.  I said, "alright come on" and you ran to me and jumped in my arms for one last hug and kiss.  I replay that a lot in my mind.  I can see your smile and imagine your touch.  I just wish I knew that was the last time I'd hold you because I would have held you longer; oh so much longer.
 
I look back on my life with you and your brothers and my only regret is that I used to yell a lot.  I used to scream and swear in front of you guys. It took me years to figure out how to do this momma thing.  It was only in the last year that I have prayed about it and have given it to God.  He has been healing me of it.  I have found more peace in not fighting with you, the boys or daddy.  It's been easier to take deep breaths and figure out a different answer to the problem that had risen.
 
One thing I have absolutely no regrets on is how much I loved you and still do.  I always told you and your brothers everyday.  I still do today.  I never wanted you all to grow up and have to go to counseling because your momma was unsupportive, hateful and never showed you love.  I believe in my heart counseling will be for other reasons like "Geez do you remember when mom made us walk to school?"  (Smile)
 
Faithie I am doing this photo challenge of different things to take pictures of for 30 days.  It has been kind of fun and healing.  Today, Day 14, was a hard one.  It is somewhere you went.  I put all the pictures of places I've gone since you left us.
 
I am so glad that when you were here we took you some great places!  My favorite was taking you to Disney.  You had so much fun riding the rides and meeting every character.  Oh Faithie I really wish I could go back into time and just freeze us at Disney, the Happiest Place in the World.  It's going to be fun and bittersweet when we go in 2016.

 
So anyway this photo challenge.  I decided I could not pick one place because all of these places since the day of your homecoming have shaped who I am becoming.  I'm discovering the idea of being home sucks, it really, really, really sucks.  I cannot express how much it hurts to go places and you aren't there.  I never can truly escape what happened because I don't hear your voice or see you.  I don't see your smile or feel your hand in mine as we walk.  My back doesn't hurt at the end of a day because I don't have a beautiful 90lb child on it.  BUT, sweet Faithie, life must continue to move forward and so we did that in the last two months by going different places.
 
The first picture in the photo collage is a hockey picture.  We have gone to two hockey games after your passing.  The first one we went to when we were left alone for the first time after your funeral.  Daddy and I couldn't take the quiet so we decided it would be fun to go to a game.  For a few minutes we just laughed and smiled.  Then we went home.
 
The second game K-Wings paid for our tickets.  They also gave your brothers each a hockey stick with the players signatures on it.  They were so happy.  Before the game we were able to sit on their bench and watch the K-Wings practice.  It was pretty cool.  After the game we went skating on the hockey rink and met some players. I love Faithie how our community came together to support us.  I cannot express the gratitude and love I have for people here.
 
From the hockey games I learned how much I love sports and how much my family loves us.  Uncle Tim arranged for the free tickets and he and his family were at the game with us.  It's great to have such a supportive, loving family.
 
The second picture is Trever standing under the Dump Bucket at Great Wolf Lodge.  Our school held a fundraiser for us and paid for us to go here.  A member in our community gracefully let us use their vehicle to drive to Traverse City. Faith you know our family, we don't do normal and safe.  Instead of waiting a few days to go, we drove in a serious snow storm.  A trip that should have been only 3 hours was close to 6 1/2 hours.  We made it and had a good time.  I really missed you though.  I know how much you love water and you would have had a great time here.
 
This trip showed me that my hometown IS AWESOME!  The support and love they have given us is WONDERFUL.
 
In the third picture we took Trever to WWE Smackdown for his birthday.  You loved the Undertaker and you'd watch Raw with us on Mondays.  Baby you never stayed very long but you liked playing it on the PlayStation. Trever was truly surprised when we arrived at the stadium.  I screamed like a fool but had so much fun!  Again though I wished you were with us.
 
I didn't really learn anything new on this trip.   It showed me how much I love surprising people I love!!!
 For Christmas instead of going to Mema and Papa Hall's house we stayed at my grandparents. It was warm there and my sweet grandma doesn't remember a lot.  She just kept hugging me and would say, "I'm so glad you're here."  I know Faithie she really was glad. In all honesty I don't think she remembered why you weren't.  We didn't say anything because we didn't want to make her cry.  Your brother Elijah had a blast with Great Papa.  They even walked a mile together to get the morning newspaper.  The boys have asked us if we can go back again.  I think you too would have enjoyed yourself.  I really love my grandparents house.  IF I was super mega rich I'd buy that house for a summer home.
 
I'm so glad Daddy suggested staying here.  Nobody knows how much time we have on this world and I 'm glad to have this time with my childhood heroes, AND so glad the boys had fun.
 
After Christmas we went to a friends house.  I struggled a lot, Faithie, while there.  My friends were making cookies and I began to miss you like crazy.  You loved to make cookies with me and eat the cookie dough.  Do you remember this picture?  You had a huge handful of dough to eat.  In the picture is half of the dough you had left.
I'm finding you never know what will trigger crying and deep sadness. While I was there I retreated a lot to where Daddy and your brothers were.  I guess looking back on it I should have not come but I didn't know that was going to happen. I was really looking forward to the weekend.  I may be ready to do something and then all of a sudden it hits you're not there.  You Faithie will never physically be there again. I know that I have changed and it IS because you are gone. 
 
This trip showed me that I've changed and will never be the same girl.  I will randomly start crying or my heart will race really fast when I hear a song, see an ambulance, car accident, or some random purple thing. I truly don't know my triggers.  As I was writing this I started off happy but ended up in heavy tears and a plugged up nose.  I just don't know what will cause it.
 
The trips to Chicago and Universal were trips of me running away from home.  I didn't learn anything from them other that I missed you but am still having fun and enjoying life.  I am willing to share my faith with random people too.
 
So Faithie, my Little Love, I miss you.  I miss, miss, miss you.  I love writing to you and sharing my thoughts.  I know people may not like what I have to say but I'm being honest.  I love life and I hate it.  I love doing thing and hate it too because you're not here. 

Thank you Faithie for being my beautiful princess here and letting me love you.
I love you ALWAYS and FOREVER,
Love,
Momma


1 comment:

  1. Still praying for all of you! Take your time. Grief is not a fast process. One step forward two back. Hang on to the One who never lets go of us!
    Katey

    ReplyDelete

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