Oh there is no place like home for the Holidays

Unless you are Faithie... Her home isn't our home anymore.  I wish it was.  God I'm over this heart pain that inflicts itself on me.  Stupid pain.  Stupid death.  Stupid absence.  Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

I hate Christmas time.  It is not a new hate.  Ever since I was a little girl I've come to expect the unexpected at this time of year.  It usually wasn't nice either.

There were so many Christmas I hear my father yell at my mom and call her horrible names.  I would hear her scream and cry as he hit her or the wall next to her.  I would wake up to a messy house as proof of the night fight.  There would be holes in the walls, plates broken and one time a 55 gallon fish tank full of water and fish was tipped over and destroyed.

My mom, brother and I spent at least 3 Christmas' at my grandparents because my dad was arrested the night before.  He was always arrested for domestic violence and released the next day.  His dad, my grandfather, would pay his bail and my mom would end up dropping the charges.  It was such a fun cycle watching as I grew up.

I learned to completely distrust and dislike my grandfather and my father.  My grandfather, James Carlton Krell, was supposed to protect his children and grandchildren.  He was a failure.  He failed my dad and his siblings when his wife beat them constantly.  He failed them when she sexually assaulted them and verbally assaulted.  He ran away and hid.  When they finally divorced he had custody of my dad and his little brother and to compensate for his guilt of failing him as a child he allowed his two sons to become alcoholics at the ripe age of 12 and 14.  Big round of applause Jim Krell.  You were a steller parent.

Now he has sons and daughters addicted to drugs and drinking.  They are all mean when they drink and become so abusive.  My grandfather would always bail them out of jail or whatever stupid stuff they got involved in.  He should have made them learn so they wouldn't do it again.  So that is why I learned to distrust him and dislike him.  He never once protected anyone. I can honestly say he has been harder to forgive than my own father.

So back to Christmas time.... My dad would never seem to disappoint by getting drunk a few times during the month of December.  I never felt safe at Christmas.

As an adult I find Christmas to be too much hype and hustle and bustle.  The greed of Christmas is so great and the crabbiness and people just buying to buy irritates me.  I despise most Hallmark sappy "it's a Christmas miracle" movies.  There have been a few though that I have watched and enjoyed.  My favorite Christmas movies I will watch every year are Elf and It's a Wonderful Life.

Once I married into a Christmas loving family, I let some of the wall around my heart start to fall.  Jamie and his family took me Christmas tree shopping the year before we were married and I was like what is the point of this.... They made laugh and almost begin to enjoy the season.  I'm thankful for my husband's family.

We then had children and I allowed myself to get into the spirit a bit.  It was fun watching the kids open presents.  We would follow Jamie's family tradition of opening a few gifts an hour to make Christmas last.  My family growing up would just open up gifts at 6 am and by 6:30 am my dad would throw the tree out the door, sometimes with the decorations still on it.

I can say I am not scared of fights at this time of year anymore and that watching my kids does bring me joy.

After Faithie died I have gone through the emotions.  The first Christmas I don't really remember much.  We spent Christmas Eve and Christmas night at my grandparents for a change.  It was nice.

Last year I think we were at my in laws but I don't remember much.

This year I am feeling very scroogey.  I don't want to put up a tree or celebrate.  I just want to skip the day.  It's because this year I am feeling the lack of Faithie and it hurts.  Oh it hurts so much.  My husband and I will go through the motions and give the boys a nice day but we both wish for December 26th.  In fact we really wish it was November 6th, 2014 and we wish we could skip the 7th and keep Faithie with us.

So I know there is no place like home for the holidays but geez I wish my home was with my whole family not one missing.