The last time I saw your face

Being at church is hard for me. My heart many times races and I cannot seem to focus on what my pastor is saying.  Also I feel closed in especially when my sons sit so close I can't sneeze.  This has nothing to do with my relationship with Jesus but just with seeing you Faithie in the front of the sanctuary.  It was the last time I saw your face and it wasn't the way I wanted to see you.  I remember thinking how the mortician made your face look so old and your hair was already looking dead and lifeless.  Before we left you that last time I kissed your very cold forehead and pushed the Queen Elsa build a bear your brothers made for you and let the song play, "Let it Go."   I grabbed Daddy's hand and we four walked out of the sanctuary never looked back.  My mind would rather see you laughing, smiling or crying or anything but lifeless.

Since the accident there are two visions I cannot seem to let out of my head.  The first one I described is one of them.  The second one is actually how I saw you first and that is you laying on the hospital gurney with a trach in your mouth and a neck brace around you. Faithie you were laying so very, very still under the cold, white sheet.  In my heart I wanted to ask for a warming blanket but I knew it would not do you any good.

I remember smelling urine and thought you had peed yourself during the accident out of fear.  "Aww my poor baby must have been so scared she peed herself," is what I said to the nurse who was in the room with me at the time.  Your Daddy was finally getting checked out to make sure he was ok and your Mema and I were the only ones in the room with the nurse. 

The nurse responded to me gently, "She didn't feel anything.  Her body just released her body fluids after she passed.  It's a normal and that is why you smell her pee."  I nodded and grabbed your left hand and tried rubbing warmth in it.

"Please Baby wake up for me.  Open your eyes for you Momma. Please Baby."  The whole time rubbing her hands hoping to spark life.  Hey God is a God of miracles, right?  He could have brought her back to life.  Unfortunately for your family here but great for you, Faithie, you were already dancing in his arms.

While I sat there I peeked under the sheet.  On the way to the hospital I had mentally prepared to see your body broken, bruised and bleeding.  I figured if you had died you must have been really broken.  Yet when I arrived you only had one visible bruise and that was where the seat belt grabbed you.  When I looked underneath there were no visible spots of brokenness or bleeding.  The nurse noticed my perplexed look and said, "She's beautiful and looks perfect."

Your new purple snow suit was cut off, your feet were shoe and sockless, and your whole body was naked.  I wanted so bad to see your chest rise and fall and I said to you again, "Please, please Faithie wake up for me."

While sitting in the quiet, dreary room my three best friends came in.  I looked at them and said or at least thought I did, "She's so beautiful."  I moved to the front of you head.  Your hair was it's normal mess and Jerri went to get her hairbrush for me. 

You had leaves in your hair and I started brushing it.  You never let me brush your much.  There were many times you'd hit or try to hit me out of anger over it hurting.  We even had a no cry/no hit chart.  We had started it about a month before you died.  As you can see we didn't get very far.

So I sat in that room just brushing and brushing and brushing your hair.  The room filled with people while doing it. Also along with filling it a few nurses came in to take a mold of your hands and to cut a lock of your hair.  I asked for the piece of you hair that had the knot we were working on brushing out.  It had gone from golf ball size to a quarter and we were brushing it over the last three weeks.  I could have cut it off but I knew you wanted long hair and hell I have been battling your hair for years and I wasn't going to let this one knot defeat me.

One of my bestie's, Tish, leaned over and said to me, "I'm so glad you took that piece. It'll mean so much to you."  During this time the ME came in talking to me about taking you but I really didn't pay attention to him so he must have talked to a nurse because she came in and basically said, "It's time."

Ugh!  I never wanted to leave you and I braided your hair not listening.  I then laid my head down on your forehead crying and Tish prayed over me.

Your Daddy, brothers and I were entering that time of leaving your little, not so little body. 

It was time to walk away.

It was time to stop trying to rub warmth into your hands.

It was time to accept that you were now forever in time in the arms of Christ.

It was time to accept you, Faithie, were no longer going to be in my arms.

Oh it was time to walk out of those doors,

BUT I wish I could have gone back in time to hold you longer.

I love you Faithie, ALWAYS and FOREVER,
I wish you were celebrating your birthday with us tomorrow,
I love and miss you,
Love,
Momma

How to celebrate when grieving

Okay Faithie I was a mess ALL DAY LONG!! I really didn't think I would be overly upset because we normally don't make Mother's Day a huge thing.  When I grew up, this day was always horrible for me and my mom.  That's a whole different story for a whole different day.

Daddy usually writes me a note and buys me a flower or plant to grow outside.  We usually like to do something special for your Mema's but this year we just stayed here.  Daddy was really missing you the day before Mother's Day.  He wrote this on his Facebook page:

Some days are harder than others. The days that you think would be hard tend to go better than others. The 7th of May was the 6th month since the accident. That day went pretty smoothly. Heather Marie and I kind of had the day planned out. The following day had a event that neither one of us will forget. Woodsedge had a program put on by a bunch of different autistic classes. The class Faith would of been in went last. They did a tribute for Faith. Which Heather were aware of.... Soon as they put the picture of Faith up on the screen I couldn't control my emotions. Then Saturday came, normally sometime in the day I would take the three kids out to pick something out for Heather for Mother's Day. Normally we would pick out some kind of plant or flower. So the boys and I headed out today, it felt like we were missing something. We were, but it was someone. It didn't feel right getting a flower or plant. Trever and Elijah both said no plants this time. Mother's Day won't be so happy in the Hall house.

Daddy told me at night in more detail how much he loved going to pick something out with you and your brothers.  

I had everyone make hearts to show a piece of my heart isn't here but she is not forgotten.

I think you're brothers forgot it was Mother's Day.  They had some pretty crappy attitudes and I cried most of the day.  I think Elijah was really missing your presence.  Trever just didn't want to help pick up.  Usually every Mother's Day Daddy has you three help pick up the house and we either go out to eat or you all make something.    I decided I would rather cook and clean. In all honesty it made me forget it was Mother's Day.  I wanted to forget and so doing things I would normally do helped.

At one point it rained and it was a nice warm rain.  I loved playing in the rain with you.  Elijah was outside when it started and I went and joined him.  That really made my crappy day a bit brighter.  We even jumped in the puddles together.  Elijah even later made me scrambled eggs.  They were yummy.  He put salsa and cheese in them.  He has gotten really good at cooking eggs.

 I loved the card your brothers picked out on their own.  Daddy said to them you two are acting like your card!!  It was funny.  This year your brothers didn't want to buy the same thing I normally get which is flowers or plants.  I love those plants and flowers but they told your Daddy no.  They each picked something out on their own.  Trever picked out a candle with a lemon scent and Elijah a body pillow.  They both know me and what I like.  I felt blessed even though I was a mess.

So this momma thought Mother's Day was going to be no problem.  I was so, so, so wrong.  The first few months of your passing I was on auto pilot.  Christmas came and went, Daddy's birthday, the New Year and daily life and I just let it go pass.  In February I started to wake up from auto pilot but I think April is where I've really been alert to your voice being gone.  I take a deep breath sometimes and it hurts because I thought of you. 

I love you ALWAYS and FOREVER,

Love,

Momma

Choices, Choices, Choices

Choices are all around us.  Everyday Faithie we make a choice.  It's impossible to not make at least one choice in your day.  The very first choice that you make is are you going to stay in bed all day or get up and do something productive or go to work or go to school.  See Faithie you cannot not make a choice in a day.

The choices in a day can be simple or hard.  What am I going to wear today? Do I want breakfast or skip it? If you know momma I usually skip it.  *smile* What should the family do this weekend? Will I talk to my friends today? What is for dinner?  When should I go to bed?  And so many other choices you make that you don't even realize that they are a choice.

Then there are big choices we make in life like who will I marry?  Do I love this person like I think? How many children will we want? What is a good name for our baby?  Do I want to go to college? What should I major in?  Do I believe in Christ?

The big choices are many times harder to make and one of those choices that are hard to make is to forgive or to hold onto a grudge.  Your Daddy and I both had to make this decision and we knew right away what we would do.

The night you died Princess I knew right away two things.  My heart was broken forever but I choose these two choices that I knew God would approve and you would approve. 

The first choice was your death was not going to destroy your Momma and Daddy's marriage.  We have gone through so much in our 14 years and we will go much more.  Daddy was so broken and strangely calm when he said to me over the phone, "She didn't make it Babe."  I knew he would go through survivors guilt.  After he called I started calling as many people as I could to send them to be with Daddy at the hospital.  No our marriage was going and is going to survive you going to Heaven. I was reminded of this verse in the Bible:

Joshua 24:15
But if serving the Lord seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.”

Daddy wanted us to do a serious picture here 

The second choice I made even before talking to Daddy and hearing if the "Kid" was drunk, drugged or texting, was I'm going to forgive him.  I knew it deep in my heart during that 2 hour trip to the hospital that there was no other choice for me. 

Jamie and I hadn't really talked about it until later I just knew to forgive.  We even told our neighbor that.  I knew I was concerned about the "Kid" and if he was okay.  I knew he was around 24 and didn't mean to cause the accident.  My neighbor said this for us to a reporter with MLive.

"They know it was not on purpose, they know it was nothing that he did and they just really want people to know they've forgiven him and want to make sure he gets love and support so that he can heal, because this will greatly impact his life. ... "(It's) a tremendous burden. As they're grieving they're also really concerned about him as well," Bartosiewicz-Hamilton said.

I remember telling everyone who would listen that I wanted to hug the "Kid" and physically know he was okay.  It was advised against us and him too.  I discovered in court that the "Kid" wanted to contact and communicate with us too.

The "Kid" settled with a plea of No Contest.  He was given community service and a suspended license for a year.  I spoke first at the sentencing.  I started off with saying, Peter one of Jesus disciples came to him and asked "How many times should I forgive my brother who sins against me.  Jesus responded, "I tell forgive not just 7x7 but 70x7"

Then I took a deep breath and started to read about my last day with Faithie but ended up veering away because of something the defense attorney said, "We all know no good can come from this."  I said "Good can come from this."  I explained that my husband I forgave you right away, "Kid".  I have been praying for you since this happened and that I love you.  Then I asked the "Kid" can I give you a hug and looked at the judge to see if that was okay. The judge said, "Yes" and the "Kid" said yes.

I hugged him so tight and told him to be a good daddy and a great husband.  I heard a saying once, "Never be the first person to let go because you could be the only hug that person gets that day."  Unfortunately that quote wasn't in my brain at the moment and I would have just stayed there hugging him but I didn't want it to be awkward.  When I started to pull away he squeezed harder and then I remember the quote.  I just held him until he was ready to let go.  He whispered "Thank you" in my ear.  Jamie and him hugged next.

The judge took a few seconds to speak afterwards.  You could hear a pin drop in the court room.  When we were waiting our turn the courtroom was constantly shuffling and people coming and going.  It just stopped when I started talking and didn't pick up I don't think until we left.

I hope people will understand there is a great power of healing in forgiveness.  I left the courtroom with this verse that has spoken to me throughout the last 5 1/2 months:

Ephesians 4:32

³² Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

I am so glad I was finally able to hug the "Kid" and that the weight of this part of our lives was lifted. 

Well Baby Girl I think you'd be proud of us to know that we are choosing to continue to live and love and forgive. I still miss you everyday and my pillow is full of tears but I will choose life over giving up.

I love you ALWAYS and FOREVER,
Love,
Momma