Memories seem so far away

Faithie I feel like I am losing my damn mind.  I have always been forgetful but in the last 5 months it has become worse.  Yesterday Elijah said to me, "Mommy you've been way more forgetful since Sissy died." To which I sighed and agreed.

It makes me afraid of developing early stages of Alzheimer's.  My Grandpa Prudhomme died from this disease when I was 14.  He had this disease for 7 years and ended up passing away at the VA Hospital.  I loved him so much.  I hope you are able to see him in Heaven and see why I loved him.

Today I cried to your daddy because this memory loss is making feel crazy. I didn't remember what today was and I was trying to convince Daddy to take his medicines for the day.  He was like "Honey I already took them" and I said "No Tuesday's meds were still in the pillbox."  It took me about a minute to realize it is Monday.

Faithie I forgot about a birthday party your brothers were invited to this last Saturday.  I haven't told them because I'm not in the mood to deal with their whining and complaining to me. 

It is really bad.  I haven't forgotten my memories of you though.  I remember feeling your head as you were coming into this world, hearing you say I love you, talking about your friends at church, anything Frozen you'd talk to me about, snuggling with you at night, holding your hand, watching you care for people and anything memory wise.  I love those memories!

It's just the day to day memories and reminders I'm screwing up.  Faithie I wish you were here.  Maybe my memory will be better. 

From my understanding this is normal.  I feel like for me it'll never go back to being good.  Oh baby I miss you so very, very, very much!!

I love you ALWAYS and FOREVER,
Love,
Momma

My Nephew Ben's View on your absence

Today I have a guest post from my nephew Ben.  He was given an assignment at school to tell of four things that have impacted or changed his life.  He is only 10, well he just turned 11 last month, and this is a big assignment for this age.  What in the world could have impacted such change?  Unfortunately for Ben your death, Faithie, created a big change in his life.  He wrote this without any prompting from his momma, your aunt.  I never realized how much he loved you until I read this.  I'm so thankful you were surrounded with love, my Lady.

(Faithie is happy here but with her autism camera's bother her and she doesn't usually smile because it may flash.)

Ben's Letter/Paper

November 7^th 2014 was the day my life changed forever. I wish it was a dream but sadly it was not. This was the day that Faith died.

When Faith was alive she had autism. For Faith autism meant she didn’t talk a lot and sometimes did her own thing.  Sometimes she would only talk to you if you got hurt. You couldn’t see it but Faith cared for every one of friends and family. I am going to miss the fun that me and Faith had. Some of the fun things I am going to miss is riding bikes with her, playing chess on the computer, and playing games outside.  The last and most fun thing I am going to miss is playing Minecraft with her.

Since Faith is gone (in Heaven) my life had changed. Now because Faith gone I am no longer allowed to ride in the front of my van or car. This also means I don’t have a fun doctor who cares for me.  That day made me very, very sad, it even broke me down to tears. Now that Faith is gone she won’t be able to go to my band or choir concerts. She won’t be able to come to my graduation or for me to see graduate. I also won’t be able to go to prom or homecoming with her.  But the thing that makes me feel the saddest is we can’t go to each other’s birthday parties. Faith may be gone but I have great memories of her when she was alive. When Faith was around she taught me many things like to be kind to others, friendship is key, to care for others, and most importantly God loves you no matter what.

My nephew blew me away when I read this.  When he first showed this to his Momma she teared up reading the first line.  It took her a month to read everything he wrote.

One of the things that choked me up Faithie was Ben planned to take you to homecoming and prom.  Lately everyone is posting their prom pictures.  Oh my the girls are so beautiful and the boys are so handsome.  One of the pictures that made my eyes sweat was a girl with autism who went to her first prom. Faithie you knew who she was and she was so happy.  My tears were both happy and sad.  She was beautiful and joyful. Now according to Ben it would have been you two going to prom. Oh so very, very precious and sweet.

Ben wrote with such amazing tenderness and clarity.  I so love him and love how much he loved you.

I love you ALWAYS and FOREVER Faithie,
Love,
Momma

My loves when we were in Florida last February.  Oh I wish we were still there!!

 

Oh I wish...

I wish you were sitting with Daddy playing PlayStation while he was healing from his second heart surgery. 

 

I wish you were here to smack your brother, Elijah, in the back really hard again. (He told me last night he missed that and he'd rather have you smack him than gone.)

 

I wish you were here to laugh because I miss that sound.

 

I wish you were here to snuggle with at night. (Maybe I'd be able to sleep better again.)

 

I wish you were here to buy clothes for at garage sales. (It's hard seeing clothes I think you'd have liked and then pass them up.)

 

 

I wish you were here to get ready for summer and swimming.

 

I wish you were here for Family Camp because I am really not looking forward to it since you're not going to be there.

 

Most of all I wish you were here to hold, hug, kiss, and talk to.

 

I love you Sweet Girl ALWAYS and FOREVER,

Love

Your Momma

Pause Land Part 2

Oh Faithie you are in the most beautiful of all places!!!  Over the weekend our family went to Hocking Hills Ohio.  It is so beautiful there.  When I was a little girl, Hocking was the one place I went to almost every year.  It was probably the only vacation we ever really took.

I commented to Katie (she is someone who lives with us right now along with her little girls) on how you would have loved these waterfalls.  She said to me I know she would but can you imagine the waterfalls she has now in Heaven?  And I cannot.

 

Five months ago tomorrow you died.  There I said it or more like typed it.  You died and I am still having a hard time accepting that.  To be honest Faithie I will never be okay with you living in Heaven while I'm here with Daddy and your brothers.

 

(To My Readers the Pictures below may be upsetting to you as they are of the accident.)

 

Faithie I look at these pictures and I wish I could hit that Pause Button I've talked about before.  I wish I could hit it and do so many things before the accident.  First I would pause it right at the moment I heard your teachers yell "Faithie where are you going?" when you ran out of your classroom that morning.  I want to pause there for a while because I want to see your face looking for me.  I want to take it in and hold you for as long as I can.  I'd be so happy to stay in that Pauseland for a while.

 

Second I'd hit the pause button as your bus was coming that afternoon.  In that moment I'd tell myself my children are only around for a short while so STOP being selfish in wanting to leave before she gets off the bus. Hug your princess one more time, Heather Marie.  And then I'd unpause it and wait for you to jump off the bus.

 

 Thirdly on that day I hit the pause button before Daddy called and I would drive Jerri's car back to Portage and I make you change places. During the Pauseland, I'd take you out of the car and put you in Papa's truck and then kiss your Daddy real hard and hold him because I'd know the accident was coming but I'd also know he'd be okay.  Then after I hit the unpause I wouldn't ever hear your Daddy calling to say, "You have to come home. There's been an accident and I don't think she is going to make it."

I like Pauseland and the Pause Button there.... I cannot believe tomorrow you will have been gone 5 months.

 

And again I wish I could hit the Pause button because Daddy is having his second heart surgery.  He is having his Mitral Valve Repaired or Replaced.  I want to hit pause again and just watch him sleep and protect him from the pain to come.

 

Also Baby Girl I am not at peace this time around.  When he had the first heart surgery in July 2013 we were heavy covered in prayers and I had my whole family.  This time around my sweet girl is in Heaven and I am afraid Daddy is going to come join you tomorrow.  The surgery has 97% survival rate but I am still scared and I want to pause just to stop tomorrow.

 

 You loved your Daddy and were so careful with him after his surgery. You'd make sure he was covered up and okay.  I am going to miss your sweet face coming in and snuggling with Daddy and kissing him.  I know I cannot hit the pause button as our Creator didn't let us have that power.  I also know God is watching over us but I am scared.  So so scared and wish you were here to snuggle with Daddy tomorrow.

Daddy and I love you ALWAYS and FOREVER,

Love,

Momma

 

 

 

Pause Land Part 1

I wrote this blog on my main one (which I have shut down since Faithie left).  Please read it and I will bring you Pauseland Part 2 tomorrow. 

Monday, April 15, 2013

Where is the Pause button in life?

Seriously I wish this life had a pause button.  I would so hit pause on many different times in my life.

For example I would hit the pause when my babies were little and take a nap.  Then I would have been more refreshed when they were awake and could give them more of myself.  I would tell myself in Pauseland that this too will pass so love on those kids because before you know it they will be 10, 8 1/2, and 7 years old.  Enjoy the moments you have with them.

When Faith was diagnosed with Autism I would have liked to hit pause for a moment before the lady who told us would tell us.  In that moment I would love to punch the lady (lets be honest she was not my favorite person at the moment.  It wasn't her fault, just her job.  I still didn't like her).  I would have screamed at the top of my lungs and would have had my own massive meltdown.  Then before I hit play I would remind myself this is a good thing to have the early diagnosis.  Life will have up and downs but Faith will grow. Just take super big deep breaths.  Oh and in Pauseland that lady I just punched won't feel a thing once the play button has been hit.

Now I want to hit pause again.  This time for my husband.  Many of you know by now that he has something wrong with his heart.  

 Today we are at U or M for Jamie's first appointment to see what we are going to be doing with his heart.  I haven't told Jamie how I feel because he has been really up and down with this whole ordeal.  If it was me, I would be the same way.

Just wish I could hit pause and be in Pauseland for a few minutes. There I can scream out my thoughts and fears and take a few breaths.

Right now we are waiting for the doctor........  Will let you know what he says.  I guess this a good sort of time to hit my imaginary button.