Letters to Faithie...: Pause Land Part 2

Oh Faithie you are in the most beautiful of all places!!! Over the weekend our family went to Hocking Hills Ohio. It is so beautiful there. When I was a little girl, Hocking was the one place I went to almost every year. It was probably the only vacation we ever really took.

I commented to Katie (she is someone who lives with us right now along with her little girls) on how you would have loved these waterfalls. She said to me I know she would but can you imagine the waterfalls she has now in Heaven? And I cannot.

Five months ago tomorrow you died. There I said it or more like typed it. You died and I am still having a hard time accepting that. To be honest Faithie I will never be okay with you living in Heaven while I'm here with Daddy and your brothers.

(To My Readers the Pictures below may be upsetting to you as they are of the accident.)

Faithie I look at these pictures and I wish I could hit that Pause Button I've talked about before. I wish I could hit it and do so many things before the accident. First I would pause it right at the moment I heard your teachers yell "Faithie where are you going?" when you ran out of your classroom that morning. I want to pause there for a while because I want to see your face looking for me. I want to take it in and hold you for as long as I can. I'd be so happy to stay in that Pauseland for a while.

Second I'd hit the pause button as your bus was coming that afternoon. In that moment I'd tell myself my children are only around for a short while so STOP being selfish in wanting to leave before she gets off the bus. Hug your princess one more time, Heather Marie. And then I'd unpause it and wait for you to jump off the bus.

Thirdly on that day I hit the pause button before Daddy called and I would drive Jerri's car back to Portage and I make you change places. During the Pauseland, I'd take you out of the car and put you in Papa's truck and then kiss your Daddy real hard and hold him because I'd know the accident was coming but I'd also know he'd be okay. Then after I hit the unpause I wouldn't ever hear your Daddy calling to say, "You have to come home. There's been an accident and I don't think she is going to make it."

I like Pauseland and the Pause Button there.... I cannot believe tomorrow you will have been gone 5 months.

And again I wish I could hit the Pause button because Daddy is having his second heart surgery. He is having his Mitral Valve Repaired or Replaced. I want to hit pause again and just watch him sleep and protect him from the pain to come.

Also Baby Girl I am not at peace this time around. When he had the first heart surgery in July 2013 we were heavy covered in prayers and I had my whole family. This time around my sweet girl is in Heaven and I am afraid Daddy is going to come join you tomorrow. The surgery has 97% survival rate but I am still scared and I want to pause just to stop tomorrow.

You loved your Daddy and were so careful with him after his surgery. You'd make sure he was covered up and okay. I am going to miss your sweet face coming in and snuggling with Daddy and kissing him. I know I cannot hit the pause button as our Creator didn't let us have that power. I also know God is watching over us but I am scared. So so scared and wish you were here to snuggle with Daddy tomorrow.