Letters to Faithie...: A month of firsts

Good Afternoon Baby Girl. It is almost 2 months from the time I heard your daddy on the phone tell me, "She didn't make it Babe." I remember just dropping the phone to the floor of the van and said out loud, "I don't have a daughter anymore." After that my body and mind went on auto pilot and went into complete shock and a strange numbness. My heart hurt but I was temporarily shut down in my mind. Avoidance has been my friend and in that case it creates denial. We did so many things in the last two months just so I didn't have to be home. Whenever I am home I cannot hear your voice or feel your hand in mine and it causes it hurt beyond a like none I have ever experienced.

I love that you wrote on the doors of your bedroom and your brothers. It's a memory I will have physically with me. The first here was the night we were all alone. It was just me, daddy, Elijah and Trever were alone for the evening. Daddy went to tuck in the boys and I just stood at your and looked in your room and cried. I miss, miss, miss tucking you in at night. Elijah doesn't like to see me cry my princess. He was your protector and when I cry he panics and he wants me to stop and be happy.

Faithie you and I could have the world's worst day and everything would right itself at nighttime. You and I always prayed and snuggled together until you fell asleep. There were days I would only pray and watch you put your pillow over your head and turn to face the wall. Some nights you'd say, "Snuggle Please" and I would lay with you. After Disney and you bought a Frozen CD we'd listen to all the songs with words for about 2 months straight. I was not able to leave unless you fell asleep or until the orchestra scores came on. Oh I miss those moments and the first night of just the four of us and not tucking you in made it hard to breath. I do know in my heart that your nights and days with Jesus tucking you in are perfect beyond words!!!

You grew to love football. I'm so glad I stuck it out with cheerleading this fall. I was so going to quit taking you because I never thought you were going to be able to get over the noise of the cheers and enjoy yourself. Baby Girl tell you daddy here thanks for pushing me to take you. You were such a joy to watch. The parents of the players loved watching you go from not cheering to jumping and cheering!!

On November 29th, 2014 we watched the Ohio State Buckeyes take down the Michigan Wolverines. It is also our first family picture without your physical presence. We had you represented in your cheerleading picture. It was a first I never wanted to experience but know that we must keep moving forward. Your brothers need us to continue to move forward and not become stuck in depression and everyday sadness. I know you wouldn't want us to be that way too!!!

I think our first "new" family picture turned out beautiful. What do you think, my Lady Love.

Another first you missed was going to find our Christmas Tree. You had so much fun going with us and cutting down a tree. I am so glad that we started that tradition four years ago. We've had so many fun memories from those times. I saw our tree right away this year but let the boys look a bit more. We still did the hat tradition we started 3 years ago. Trever is wearing your purple hat we bought to make sure your presence was with us. You are always in our hearts. This first was hard but fun too. It is strange Faithie how I am able to be happy at times while still missing you. You are always in my heart and mind.

For our first Christmas without you we choose to stay at my grandma and grandpa. It's the first time we have even done this in all the years we've celebrated Christmas. Daddy wanted to me around family at Christmas but not wake up at Mema and Papa's house. It was too much for us.

We had a good time. Great Mema has something called Alzheimer's and she has a hard time remembering things. She was really happy we were there. She kept hugging me and would say, "I'm so happy you're here." It filled my heart with joy.

Our first Christmas was perfect in the way that it can be when someone you love is missing. I firmly believe your first Christmas in Heaven is completely indescribable and lovely!!!

Daddy and I took the boys and Mema and Papa to Chicago right before New Years. We wanted to do something fun one more time before the new year started. You would have loved, loved, loved it. We were going to go on train but I in my sad, confused mind accidentally picked the tickets for 9 pm not 9 am. This means we ended up driving all the way. It was a spontaneous trip. My heart wasn't ready to be home yet. It never is really.

I was planning on taking you to Chicago this summer on a train because we know how much you love them. It was going to be your first. I thought about you everywhere we went while there. We traveled in taxis and your brothers thought that was awesome. This was a first where I was happy for a while until stuff happened. It's amazing how quickly I can go from happy to sad.

Your daddy is amazing. He has been so supportive of me and protective of me. Faithie you should see him. He brings smiles to my face when I'm just wanting to hide under my blankets.

This is you praying last year at the Hall Christmas party. We've gone to the Hall Christmas party ever since Daddy and I said, "I do" You always had fun and loved helping people open their presents.

This year we didn't have it until after Christmas. I loved everyone who showed up. It was a fun and nice time. I missed seeing you there. I thought of you as we drove home and the snow starting coming down. Baby Girl, moving forward is hard but I'm doing it. I know our Lord is covering us with his angels and hugging you closely.