Letters to Faithie...: One moment up, one moment down, one moment of whatever decides to hit

Faithie I as always missed you this week. I actually had a pretty good week and cried a little. This week I listened to music on my own in the car. I have Matt Redman's 10,000 Reasons on my phone and I hooked it up to the car. Every time "Never Once" came on I'd belt out singing. I said it before that song deeply hits me. Just hearing it to music about God never leaving me alone, especially during this time, just fills me up with love.

Daddy had that wonderful dream twice this week. He was so happy on the day of his birthday and happy because of that dream. At the end of the night after watching a movie together he was sad. It hit him all of a sudden that we just celebrated his birthday, a holiday you loved celebrating, and you weren't with us. He went upstairs to let it out and I went into your room and just cried. It's another first for us. It stinks.

For Daddy's birthday we went to Universal for the day. I wish you were there. And we both wish you were here on Tuesday, the day of his birthday.

Well like I said it has been a pretty good week. I've felt anger this week and that was a first for me. I'm angry you're not here anymore, angry that "the Kid" pulled out in front of Daddy, angry that I cannot kiss and hug you anymore, angry that when people talk you're voice is missing. I believe that these anger moments are acceptable. I am not hurting anyone in this anger and I am praying about it as I go. I'm thankful that I serve and love a God who is bigger than this.

Daddy wanted me to not smile in the picture. :-) It wasn't easy but I did it.

So speaking of being angry, I was mad at Daddy on Friday. He invited someone over to come help me clean and sprung it on me. He also invited his parents over for the weekend without asking me first. I was irritated because he didn't ask.

So at therapy I ran ahead of him to sit in the chair that he normally likes. He laughed because he knew exactly what I was doing. Our poor therapists had no clue and was worried we were really fighting. This is just how we fight most times. It's very hard to stay mad at Daddy because his heart was right. I even let him have his chair back, mainly because I like to stare out the window during therapy and I couldn't in his chair.

Faithie your Daddy was right I needed that visit from my friend. She not only helped me but she chit chatted with me and it was nice. I'm so thankful for the friends God has brought us during this time and for the ones who are staying around. There are moments of blessings in the this sadness.

Yesterday though I was both happy and sad. Your big brother had his first basketball game. Last year you had so much fun cheering your brother on and after the games shooting the ball with Daddy. Trev did really good. My heart was filled with joy watching him. He has come so far since last year. I can hear you in my head saying, "Good Job Trever!!!"

Well that was my happy, my sad hit when I momentarily forgot you were in Heaven. We were exiting the gym and I started to say out loud, "Faithie be careful crossing the street." I stopped at Faithie realizing I don't have to worry about you crossing the street.

I started crying and Daddy came over to my side of the car and held me tight and let me cry. We stood there for a few minutes until I was okay to drive. Your boys asked me if I was crying and I said yes. Elijah hasn't panicked the last few times and has told me he is ok with it now because he knows I still love him but I need to have moments of tears. My heart hurt for about an hour afterwards because I wished you were here. I love you my sweet princess.

Today the boys are going sledding with Papa. I couldn't go. You love sledding with us. I'm not ready to do that yet. I just miss you too much to go. The pictures below are from when we went two years ago in February. You were so full of joy on the hills.

Don't worry though I will go again. I am not hiding from life. I do want to sometimes but I know that you wouldn't want me to nor would our Savior. But for today I am drinking my coffee and watching The Hobbit. You're in my heart Lady.