The Beginning of a girl named Faith

It was a quiet Sunday afternoon when Jamie decided it was time to try for second child. Our little boy was napping in his room.  The day was August 17th, 2003.  If you're watching TV this is where the love music starts playing and see curtains blowing in the window. 

The next day Jamie panicked and said "I'm not ready for another baby." So cue the prevention. In my heart I knew we conceived a baby and I knew then and there the little one was going to be a Princess.  About six weeks later I had a friend and her husband over.  We went a drug store to get a pregnancy test because I really wanted to know if I was expecting.  Took the test right away and couldn't wait for Jamie to come home from work and surprise him with the positive results.  He was shocked, scared and happy all at once.

I never wanted a girl.  Girls scared me.  I felt I'd be a great boy mom and that I'd ruin a little girl.  So at my ultrasound I was hoping to hear you're having a boy.  My heart and mind had already told me months ago we were having a girl.  Jamie wasn't with me at the ultrasound.  The technician announced what I already knew: It's a girl!

Another reason I didn't want a girl was the color pink.  I hated that color at the time.  "Our daughter is NEVER wearing pink" is what I'd say.  This brought laughter from her grandmas.  They both would say "I'll make sure she has lots of it"  A couple friend from our church gifted us with our daughter's first blanket.  It was a pink one.  It was so soft and she kept that blanket until the day she passed.  It also melted my heart against despising pink.  In fact her in her hospital picture she is wearing a light pink onsie with roses on it.  What can I say?  God and others have a sense of humor.

For the first eight months of our daughters existence in my womb we had her name picked out.  We were going to call her Emma Grace.  The name no longer felt right as we entered our 9th month.  In May 2002 the popular TV show FRIENDS had a baby.  The popular couple Ross and Rachel named their baby girl Emma.  It seemed to start becoming  popular name.  Also at our home church another couple had a beautiful baby girl who they named Emma.  When the end of April came Jamie and I really started to feel God was leading us to a different name for our daughter.  

Jamie came home from work one day with two pieces of paper.  On the paper were the top 1000 names of 2002 for girls.  He gave me a highlighter and said highlight what you like and I'll do the same.  I gave him my list and he looked over the two.  The very first name combination he said out-loud we knew right away it was our Princess' name: Faith Elizabeth.  I can't even remember what else I had picked.

On Thursday May 20th at 2:32 Faith Elizabeth took her first breath of air.  While I pushing her out I was able to lean down a little and feel her little head that was emerging.  My eyes immediately teared up and my heart filled with a love I can't really put into words. 

We took Faith home on a Saturday to start living our 10 years together.

Rainbows and Unicorns or lack of

This isn't going to be a Rainbows and Unicorns sparkly type of post.  I'm in a certain mood right now.  One I am majorly losing the March Madness brackets this year to my three guys.  *smile*

Before I share what is going on in this random head of mine I want to say this has a been a good year so far.  We are in the middle of the fourth year of our Princess being in Heaven and I am in a place where I am sad still sometimes but am experiencing happiness more.  The pain of her death is not as raw as it once was.  In some ways I have reached the "acceptance" part of the grief cycle.  I also understand that this journey is unpredictable and tomorrow there could be tears and depression.  I'm taking it as I go and embracing the joy/happiness I am feeling.

Now for the real reason I'm a little salty today.  We listen to a radio station called "WCSG".  It plays modern Christian songs and we enjoy the station.  Starting in January the station advertises NON STOP about a Father/Daughter banquet they have in March every year.  In the years past I just turned off the station when commercials would come on.  I hated listening to that particular advertisement. It stung that Jamie and Faith would never go to another "Father/Daughter" event.

This year I didn't seem to mind the commercial as much.  I think that must be what acceptance looks like.  As the tickets began to sell out it stopped playing as much.

I've often wondered though why don't they have a Mother/Son banquet.  I'm pretty sure we moms of boys would love to have that kind of dinner too.

What hit me tonight is I don't "hate" the father/daughter stuff because Faith is gone but because I didn't have that kind of relationship with my father.

My dad was abusive.  He emotionally abused everyone in our house.  He favored my brother and pushed me aside.  He did so many things I cannot share because that is my mom's story.  He was addicted to drugs and alcohol.  He was controlling and he never took me to a father/daughter banquet.  If he did I don't remember it.

My father was also mentally unhealthy.  We didn't know until I was in college that he was living with Bi-Polar Disorder.  It wasn't diagnosed until I think around his early 40's.

You add drugs, alcohol, and an undiagnosed medical condition life was rough growing up.

I've overcome a lot and worked through my childhood baggage.  It still rears up every now and then and this WCSG latest event triggered it.

I wish he had told me I was beautiful. I wish he wasn't so mean, manipulative and controlling.  There were times he was funny and charismatic and charming.  Those times are precious memories.

As he gets more fragile from the strokes he's had I few bad for him.  He has allowed his meanness from having a real relationship with me and my boys.  I'm just glad I forgave him. It still stings though seeing all the father/daughter stuff.

My biggest prayer for him is he finds peace with my mom and Jesus before he passes from this world.  I also pray he apologizes to me for everything.  I am not holding my breath on that one.