Life's Journey

Hmmm.... Life is a journey without a map or gps.  When you've figured out your path life throws in a hazard of some sort and it detours you.

For me I always thought I'd be a teacher and went to Indiana Wesleyan University for this.  I walked away without a teaching degree for reasons.  I did walk away with a best friend of 20 years this May.

I married and became a stay at home mom.  It wasn't my desire to become one but it was where I was needed.  I'm so forever grateful that I had that opportunity.

Yet I still felt a desire to do something but didn't know what. For years I've asked God what do you think or want me to do and for years I've never felt any real direction.

I tried school in September 2014 and entered social work.  Then this journey called Life threw my family the worst hazard by Faithie, our sweet princess, dying from a car accident and going to Heaven.  Somehow I was able to finish school with 2 A+. It felt wonderful to finish and accomplish that semster.  It gave me a sense of pride and confidence. When I tried to go back to school in January I was too lost and broken hearted. I even began to doubt if going into the social work was the right choice.

For so many wonderful, roller coaster years I was Faithie's momma.  Now I feel a loss to my identity. Also a desire to do anything left. My two boys and husband are the reasons I wake up and move forward.  They are my heart and motivation. They love me so much and I love them beyond words.

Yet I need something for me right?  Passion? Desire? Motivation? Work? Write? Paint? Craft? God, my Daddy, what is it? Please make it so clear that there is no doubt.

Confession time family and friends: I've stopped taking care of myself.  It is a good week if I shower more than 2 to 3 times. I wear yoga pants and leggings around the house and even out. I don't brush my hair daily unless I'm going to therapy.

Before this hazard of life I took much beter care of myself. It's because I truly simply don't care about me or what others think or the energy to care.  Jamie wants me to care.  So I for the first time ever I allowed my hair dresser to give me Copper Red highlights. I've never had highlights.

Tonya my hairdressers name and we first met her in December.  We immediately connected.  She told me then and yesterday "You need to take care of yourself first."  She has been a blessing.  She helped me feel beautiful and worthy.  So I'm going to try everyday to love myself and take mental and physical care of myself. It's a positive step in moving forward in this Life.

Now I just need to figure what to do with my life.  I have a huge heart and love people.  Hmmmmm..... Tired hazards but So thankful for my family and friends.

Thanks for reading... I know it may seem rambly but I thought I'd share since it's been awhile.

Then I come after after typing this blog post and immediately feel back to that blue don't care feeling..... SMALL steps