My Girl

My Girl

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Faithie's Room

Worst sight right now 😢 Faithie your ceiling is getting fixed today and we had to empty your room.  The curtains made years ago and up until today were taken down.

I would be fine if I knew your room would be filled back up with not just some of your stuff but with you as well. Oh how my heart wishes you were here to watch. I can just see you covering your ears as you watch the carpenter saw out the dry wall.  I can hear you saying in your scripted voice, "He's fixing it!"

I just don't know what to do with your room. As of right now I've used it to store miscellaneous stuff.  At one time I had your room completely messy from the different items I put in there. It took Daddy and  me hours to clean my mess.

After it was cleaned we put the queen mattress in there.  Your room has been a guest room since then.

Mema and Papa and Aunt Jerri use your room for a place to sleep.  Aunt Jerri said it felt a little weird knowing you used to sleep and play in there but now no longer.

 I wanted to put off fixing your ceiling for as long as possible because I don't want the paint job Daddy did for you ruined. The carpenter will be careful of the paintedd walls but the ceiling is ruined at the edge so most likely it'll be ruined a little.  Or maybe not at all. And that would mean I'm borrowing unnecessary sadness.

Daddy and I want to keep the paint job and your room a little girlie for a long while.  We're not ready to make it a true guest room or an office.

We discussed it yesterday that the only way we will paint the room a different color is if your Mema and Papa decide to live with us.  Until that day your room will always be known as Faithie's room.
I love you Faith Elizabeth ALWAYS and FOREVER.

Saturday, August 13, 2016

Everyone has a cave room right?

I haven't written in awhile.  Summer has been moving so quickly.  

Today I woke up heart hurting.  I miss you so much Faith Elizabeth that it hurts to breathe every now and then today.  I'm in my room hiding from the chaos and noise of the day.  All I've managed to do is force myself to take a shower and dress in clothes for in case Daddy makes me go somewhere.  

I'm in love with the darkness of my room.  It feels cozy and safe.  I don't have to pretend in here.  I think your brothers and Daddy must know I need quiet.  They normally barge in my room to talk to me.  Today they have left me alone.

Alone with my thoughts on how much I miss you.  I'm angry that you're not here but it's a silent anger.  It releases itself in my dreams.  Last night when my heart finally let me sleep I dreamt of many people who've hurt me in the past and told them exactly how I felt.  I wish it had made me feel better when I woke up but the heart pain of you being gone remained.

There is no magic pill or oil or book that can take away the hurt in the heart that comes from losing a child.  I sort wish there was.  Faithie I want to come to Heaven and hold you in my arms.  I want to kiss you all over and take in your scent.  I want to fight with you about hair brushing.  I want you in family pictures.  I WANT YOU!!

Yesterday I created a wall hanging of your brothers and Daddy and me.  I hung it up.  Immediately guilt and sadness bombarded me.  You should be in the family picture.

  You should be hugging me in it.  You should be here but you are not.  I know there is nothing to feel guilty about by hanging the picture but I do.  Yet I won't take it down because we are a physical family of four.  Your brothers need me to keep moving forward.

And I will do that but today Faithie I want to stay in a hole.  Correct that.  I want to stay in the comfort of my "cave room" as your brother Elijah puts it.

I love you ALWAYS and FOREVER!!
Daddy and I both miss you.