I haven't written in awhile. Summer has been moving so quickly.
Today I woke up heart hurting. I miss you so much Faith Elizabeth that it hurts to breathe every now and then today. I'm in my room hiding from the chaos and noise of the day. All I've managed to do is force myself to take a shower and dress in clothes for in case Daddy makes me go somewhere.
I'm in love with the darkness of my room. It feels cozy and safe. I don't have to pretend in here. I think your brothers and Daddy must know I need quiet. They normally barge in my room to talk to me. Today they have left me alone.
Alone with my thoughts on how much I miss you. I'm angry that you're not here but it's a silent anger. It releases itself in my dreams. Last night when my heart finally let me sleep I dreamt of many people who've hurt me in the past and told them exactly how I felt. I wish it had made me feel better when I woke up but the heart pain of you being gone remained.
There is no magic pill or oil or book that can take away the hurt in the heart that comes from losing a child. I sort wish there was. Faithie I want to come to Heaven and hold you in my arms. I want to kiss you all over and take in your scent. I want to fight with you about hair brushing. I want you in family pictures. I WANT YOU!!
Yesterday I created a wall hanging of your brothers and Daddy and me. I hung it up. Immediately guilt and sadness bombarded me. You should be in the family picture.
You should be hugging me in it. You should be here but you are not. I know there is nothing to feel guilty about by hanging the picture but I do. Yet I won't take it down because we are a physical family of four. Your brothers need me to keep moving forward.
And I will do that but today Faithie I want to stay in a hole. Correct that. I want to stay in the comfort of my "cave room" as your brother Elijah puts it.
I love you ALWAYS and FOREVER!!
Daddy and I both miss you.