My Girl

My Girl

Sunday, March 29, 2015

Fights Happen

Oh Baby I sobbed yesterday so hard, so hard. 
Since you have passed away Daddy and I have pretty much gotten along.  We don't play blame games, we don't really yell at each other, we just plain don't fight.  I don't know what is normal but I imagine some couples fight a lot after a death of their child. 
Well this week it happened and took two separate days for it to explode. We used words and actions that were hurtful. I won't share with you who said what but I will share with you what I think ended our fight.
One of the actions that I did was throw my cards that were from my wallet at Daddy.  I also did something I've never done before but I punched the wall three times.  I thought they were hard punches but to be honest they probably felt like a bee to the wall.
After I did that I left with Katie and her girls to go shopping and out to lunch. Daddy and I needed space from each. You know Faithie we have gone just about 5 months without fighting so I think fight was just due.

 On a side note: Last February I prayed to God to help me no longer be the "naggy wife" and to take deep breaths when we fight and walk away without words.  In fact this verse hit me to the core around February last year:
Proverbs 21:9 (NIV)
Better to live on a corner of the roof
    than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.

I've taken this verse to my heart and have applied it to our marriage since. It hasn't been easy though and on Saturday we both just lost it.
The action that stopped our fight was me throwing my cards but it wasn't until I came home from shopping that it happened.  When I came home I started cleaning our bedroom.  Daddy was laying down and I was giving him the ever popular "Silent Treatment."
As I was finishing up, I came across the broken library card pictured above.  My eyes  immediately filled with heavy tears and they flowed down my face.  I handed it to Daddy and said everything I was keeping inside. 

That card wasn't broken before I left and I thought Daddy broke it because he was angry that I threw them at him.   Quietly I said, "Of all the cards I threw you picked the wrong one to break." My heart was heavy because I was also to blame for it breaking.  If I hadn't thrown them it would have been safely in my wallet.  I believe Daddy's heart felt sad for me.  He told me quietly back that he didn't break it that the littlest did on accident.  In a strange way that ended our fighting.  We were both done emotionally and shared our thoughts in a calm manner after that.  When done Daddy forced me to hug him.  I didn't want to at first but afterwards I held him tightly back so thankful I have your Daddy here to fight with and to love.

Our fight was done.
I just hate that I lost your library card is broken. It's a symbol to me that you aren't here any more and that there is no reason to replace it. I'll keep the broken pieces though in my wallet to have you close to me. 

My Grandpa calls crying "Sweating" and I shall say my beautiful girl my eyes "sweated" a lot yesterday.
Oh Baby Girl: Fights happen and things get broken like library cards and hearts.  I'm so glad for that Bible verse though because it keeps me steady and has really helped our marriage.  And my sweet girl with God leading us our marriage will survive this and the upcoming heart surgery and whatever else comes our way.  It's a struggle but I love your Daddy too much and he loves me too.
I miss you my Lady, more and more everyday.
I love you ALWAYS and FOREVER,

Friday, March 27, 2015

It's all about the SUGAR!

Faithie it is the little things that sometimes I smile and remember you doing.  One of those little things was SUGAR!  You could smell this sweet substance or at least your Daddy and I think you could.  We knew this because one time after we came home from Georgia, we hid your Easter candy so you wouldn't eat it all at once.  Well I hid it in a drawer you had never, ever gone in and you weren't even around when I hid it.  You were in the land of dreams.  The next morning your Daddy and I saw wrappers EVERYWHERE!!  My sweet girl you found the hidden candy and ate it all before we woke up!!  That was in April of 2010 and ever since then we had to hide it in more and more different places.
Easter Egg Hunt April 2010

Today I was making myself a cup of coffee and I just smiled and giggled to myself as I pulled the sugar out of cabinet.  I remember so many days or times where there was sugar sprinkled all over the floor and inside the container of sugar was a spoon.  You were just having a snack or breakfast!!  I know many times I was so frustrated over those sugar spills but now I look back and smile on how much you and sugar were friends. 

Today I am raising my cup of coffee to you and am saying, "Enjoy all the sugar up in Heaven Faith Elizabeth!  Have a spoonful with Jesus this morning! I love you both."

Good Morning Jesus, God, Holy Spirit and Faithie! Love you!

I love you ALWAYS and FOREVER,

Thursday, March 26, 2015

Mackenzie, Faithie's Best Friend

In memory of Faith Elizabeth Hall
By Mackenzie

I met Faith at Awana. She is my best friend. Faith love to smiled a lot Her favorite color is purple She likes frozen a lot. She called me Rapunzel and she loved to play with my hair. I loved to play with her hair too. When frozen come out she would some times call me Anna from frozen. Faith love to draw princesses and angels on the white boards at Awana Faith loved to dancing to music especially frozen music Faith like to sing to frozen music. Her favorite food is spaghetti. She liked to play in the snow and to sled too.
She is very kind. Faithie is a friend like no other friend that I have ever see. We played dolls a lot we all ways made them in to princesses. For the last birthday she had on earth Faith had a frozen birthday we had so much fun. I gave her two little toothpick dolls she called them plastic Else and plastic Anna
and one time I made a little house for her and I took it too her school but she was sick so I give it to her teacher. after Faith deid her mom give the house back to me. I miss Faith a lot. I was Faith only best friend. Faith called me her friend. I will miss her a lot but I can imagine her dancing with Jesus. Faith died on November 7 2014.

Sunday, March 22, 2015

Love you Sweetie

Hi my Baby Girl.  I dreamed about you last night.  Sometimes Faithie my dreams are perfect and sometimes they make me wake up missing you deeply. 
The dream I had last night made me miss you. The dream closely represented the movie, "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button." You never saw the movie but I did years and years ago.  I'll be honest I thought the movie was boring and dull and I really didn't care for it.  It is about a man who was born 80 and aged backwards and died as a baby.
In my dream last night you were 10 and aged backwards until you disappeared as a baby.  It made me wake up with a broken heart and high anxiety today.  I miss you so much Baby.  My dreams are so visual and it's like I am really there, holding you and talking to you and kissing you and loving on you.  Faithie, my Love, I am always going to miss you. 
I choose to make today a good day even though I woke up heavy hearted and sad.  My mom's side of the family has "Family Sunday Dinner".  This dinners used to be at my sweet grandma's when I was a little girl and they were every Sunday.  I loved Sunday Dinners.  They were a way to get away from my abusive childhood household.  My grandpa is my hero and I adored my grandma.  They loved all their grandchildren deeply.

My dear grandma now is losing her memory due to the Memory Sucking, I hate it so much, disease called Alzheimer's.  So over the last 10 years Sunday dinners have rotated between my two aunts and my mom.  So today we are taking the family to my Aunt Amy's for dinner.  I love these dinners and looked forward to them whenever we are home.  I hope when my kids are grown we are still close enough to do these dinners.
So my Faithie, Friday was an extremely emotional for me today. In fact I was ready for bed by 7:30.  I did stay up a bit longer to watch NCAA basketball with Daddy until 9:30. Over the last 15 years we have done the brackets together.  It's been a fun competition between us.  The cool thing is last year we did all five of us.  I am so glad that you were able to participate one year with us.
Even though my day was emotional, I did have have two highlights!!
My first highlight was going to your classroom as a mystery reader.  Elijah went with me and we read your favorite book, "Five Little Monkeys Jumping on the Bed."  Your brother, Elijah, acted out the Monkeys and the Dr part. It was adorable and there were a few cute kiddos, your classmates,  who started being the monkeys too!! loved it, and Elijah wants to go again and be a "Mystery Reader".
After the Mystery Reader, I had a doctor appointment.  There I found out that I am a Type 2 Diabetic and have severe Vitamin D deficiency.  I have put off for 9+ months getting blood work done.  I think I've known for that long what it was going to tell me.
My doctor put me on a medicine that causes icky side affects.  I am PISSED OFF about it. So Faithie I am going to get my health back on track.  There is no reason for me wasting away my health.  It going to take my heart and brain to catch up to each other but I'm going to. 
So after the doctor appointment another love of our was pulled over at the exact spot you died.  It literally crushed me and caused me to cry ALL DAY LONG.   She was given a ticket.  The city of Portage is doing a speed study there to see if speeds cause accidents there.  The article down below came out on December 17th.  It's just a snippet of it but it crushes me to know your death is the reason for a speed study.  I hate it.  And so I cried because your gone.
PORTAGE, MI – A Nov. 7 fatality has sparked the city to take a closer look at the Lakeview Drive-Portage Road intersection and potential changes in speed and lanes on parts of Portage Road.
Portage City Hall 
Faith Hall, 10, of Vicksburg, died in the two-car crash at the intersection, prompting the city of Portage to examine the Lakeview-Portage Road junction to see what changes might be needed to make it safer.
Later in the day I went to go pick up my prescriptions and barely made it out of there before the tears flowed down my eyes.  I cried so hard about you being gone that I couldn't breath. Once I arrived home I stayed in the car and cried.  This actually lead the highlight of my evening though.
 Trever was coming home from a friends to put a jacket on and he saw me in the car.  He opened the door and asked if I was okay.  I looked at him with tears flowed down my eyes and asked if he wanted to do dinner together, just the two of us.  I haven't spent alone time with him in a while. So we went to Game Stop and he went to Sally's Beauty store with me and we tried a new place to eat: East Coast Subs. It was yummy. I'm so thankful for Trever.  We had good conversations.
I am truly blessed with good boys.  Now they do have their moments of bratty behavior and disrespectfulness but they sure do love me.
One more thing Baby I have been doing better emotionally.  I just still have days though where it's tough. 
I love you ALWAYS and FOREVER,

Friday, March 13, 2015

School Visit

 Hi Baby Girl.  Momma's had a whirlwind type of week.  I had a hard time wanting to do much of anything.  After talking to our therapist (Daddy and I go to one together) it was agreed upon to call my medical doctor and adjust my medicines. Since you have left us for Heaven, I suffer from deep anxiety at night.  My heart will start racing, my mind will go faster than fast, memories flood my brain and sleep doesn't want to come.  All I can think about is death and how much I want to be there with you in Heaven.  It makes Daddy super sad when I say this and our therapist suggested getting help.  So Baby Girl I am going to see a specialist to help me mentally get back on track.  My medical doctor is helping me too.  I am so thankful for good doctors. 
This last week went well.  After fixing my medicines and finally getting some good sleep I've been more upbeat this week.  I still love my sleep and would much rather do that all day but this week I've moved more.
I went to run camp on Saturday with Ms. Carrie.  I had signed up for that before everything all happened.  When we arrived at the place we were going to run, I suggested leaving and that I don't think I can do 4 miles.  She didn't listen to me and I'm proud to say that I jogged/walked the first 2 miles and had to walk the last 2 miles because I developed a couple of blisters.  It was great.  I am going to make running something to do just for me.  My ultimate goal and need to start taking seriously is to compete in the "Glass Slipper" challenge at Disney next February.  I want to do it in memory/honor of you.  This running gives me something to look forward too.
Today I went to your school.  I haven't been able to go there since your passing.  It was there that I had my final hug and kiss from you.  I had dropped you off late that morning.  Once I left your classroom I heard your teachers say, "Where are you going Faithie?" I turned back around and there you were standing in the hallway.  "Alright come here," I said to you.  You ran into my arms for a hug and kiss and it melted my heart like always.  So very glad God nudged you to leave your classroom.

Well I went to your school today because of the above picture.  Your school has four pictures of children in the school doing an accept of respect. Each picture has a letter on it which spells LEAD.  Your picture was on the D and the word on it was RESPECT.  I went to your school so I could get a copy of this picture. 
Every time I'd drop you off you would walk over to the picture and proudly say, "That's me!!"
The office sent me and your brother to your classroom.  I squeezed his hand tighter and tighter as we came closer and closer to your classroom.  My eyes also teared up the closer we came.  I'm glad I came though because we were given a basket of memories.  You were blessed with awesome teachers and the three of them had been with you since Kindergarten. I was glad to see them.
I hugged them and was given the purple basket that the kids had made for us/you.  Lifetouch created a copy of the picture above for me and gave us a CD with your school pictures on it.  That was an awesome blessing. 
I even signed up to be a Mystery Reader in your classroom.  My heart loves those children and teachers. Daddy and I are both going to go and we are going to read one of your favorites: Five Little Monkeys Jumping On The Bed. We are going to give the kids each a copy of the book.
Ian came up to me and grabbed my hand.  He told me you were dead and he missed you.  I told him I missed you too.  He talked about you and it was nice to hear.
Well I shall sign off for a bit.
I love you ALWAYS and FOREVER My Lady,

Friday, March 6, 2015

Your Brothers

Hi Faithie!  I'm missing you severely as always.  Tonight I would like to talk to you about your brothers. They each miss you in their own way and they talk or express it in different ways.
 I've taken them to visit you at your body's resting place twice this past February.  I feel like it's a quiet place where we can talk to you and just still have a piece of you here.  The last time we went Elijah and I picked out some fake flowers and a green bottle to put on the site.  He picked out all our favorite colors and gold rocks because that is the color that represents Jesus, according to him.
Trever and you weren't the best of friends but nobody could mess with each other when the other was around.  I had prayed for years that God would repair your relationship and that you two would grow closer.  It was my hope that when you were adults you would be great friends.
My sweet girl your autism was so much more obvious than your brothers and many a times he was set aside so we could help you.  You had a love of music and he hated it.  I know it was related to you.  It breaks my heart sometimes that we missed it with Trever.  It wasn't as clear. 
Yet we explained autism to Trever from the beginning.  I remember clearly when you went to school on the 11th of April 2007 that we told Trever you were going to school to help learn how to talk to us.  After school we went out to eat and Trever looked at you and asked, "Can you talk to me now Sissy?"  It was both so sweet and bittersweet.
  Trever was also the first one to explain to others what was going on with you when you were having a communication issue.  One time, I think he was about 8, he told someone who was frustrated with you having a meltdown, "It's okay. She has autism. She'll be okay soon."  You two had your fighting moments but you had  your loving moments too.
 Trever hasn't said much about you being gone, my Lady.  He has been angry at the driver of the other car.  For about a month he'd say to me or dad, "Why didn't he just wait? Why didn't he?"  He doesn't cry much but I think that has always been a part of who he is.
What Trever does do shows me that he misses you but keeps it to himself.  I think to protect his momma from crying, even though I tell your brothers it's okay to cry, scream, be mad, be happy, be whatever you need to be. 
Trever goes into your room when nobody is playing in it.  There are many times I have seen him playing with his wrestlers in there.  At first I didn't know that he went into there but one day I noticed the bed was messy.  I asked who messed up the room and he told me that he often goes in there to have quiet time.
In the picture above he is playing on his Kindle.  I also gave Trever your heavy, weighted blanket about three weeks ago.  He has about four blankets on him.  I figured he needed the weighted one to help calm his mind down and sleep.  It worked perfectly.  Since that night, he has kept it on his bed for both being close to you and for the sensory weighted pressure.  He doesn't mind the purple and yellow yet.  One day I may cover it with Oregon colors but it'll still be yours underneath.
Elijah I know misses you Faithie.  He doesn't tell me in his own words but his Sock Monkey tells me. Your brother loved you very much.  He always considered himself your "big" brother when it came to protecting you.  I remember when he told that to Trever about 3 years ago.  He was concerned for you because someone was picking on you at our old church.  It made him mad when people would pick on you. I loved how protective he was of you. 
The night you passed and he came into the hospital room his eyes were brimming with tears.  He looked at me as he touched your arm and said, "Who do I protect now?'  It broke my heart it did.  I also learned from someone that he protected the casket you were in.  He didn't do it the whole night of the visitation but every now and then when people would come up to it he'd go over to it and put his hand on it.  He loved you so much Faithie.

Elijah has been going to Play Therapy every other Monday.  He loves to go and play games with Ms. Amber.  A few weeks ago as I was laying down with him, Socky, started talking to me.  It was the first time your brother opened up since your Heaven homecoming.  I took the opportunity through Socky to talk about you.
This was our conversation:
Socky: I miss Faithie.
Me: Oh you do? What do you miss Socky?
Socky: I miss her running with me and yelling to Elijah he can't catch her.
Me: I miss her too.
Socky: She wasn't mean to me like Trever who wrestles me too much.
Conversation over but oh so precious Elijah let me in finally.

A different conversation after praying.  I also wasn't feeling great and I was going to go to Run Camp in the snow blizzard the next day.
Elijah: Momma Socky wanted to interrupt you while you were praying but thought he'd get into trouble.
Me: It's okay Socky, what did you want to say.
Elijah: Socky wanted you to pray, that you don't die and that you don't get sick.
Me: Ok we can do that.
I've also have had your brother take Socky to therapy now.  He's only gone once and Ms. Amber said Socky was wonderful to have and asked Socky personally if he would come again.
Daddy and I are a bit worried about Elijah.  He is depressed I think but I am not 100%.  He doesn't want to do cello anymore, go to school (and he used to love both), doesn't really like going places except the library and a store where he can buy something.  Your brother will occasionally go play at his friends house across the street.
He rides with me wherever we go and will not sleep over anywhere now, even Mema and Papa's.  Before your leaving he was okay with Mema and Papa but no where else.  I know that after Daddy's heart surgery in 2013 that his fear came from there.  Elijah is okay with Mema and Papa coming here and Daddy and Momma going away for the night. That is it. 
So you see Baby Girl, we are a little worried about him.  I hope one day he'll feel safe and secure again.
So my Lady that is how your brothers are doing.  They love and miss you and express it differently.
We all love you ALWAYS and FOREVER,