Before I share what is going on in this random head of mine I want to say this has a been a good year so far. We are in the middle of the fourth year of our Princess being in Heaven and I am in a place where I am sad still sometimes but am experiencing happiness more. The pain of her death is not as raw as it once was. In some ways I have reached the "acceptance" part of the grief cycle. I also understand that this journey is unpredictable and tomorrow there could be tears and depression. I'm taking it as I go and embracing the joy/happiness I am feeling.
Now for the real reason I'm a little salty today. We listen to a radio station called "WCSG". It plays modern Christian songs and we enjoy the station. Starting in January the station advertises NON STOP about a Father/Daughter banquet they have in March every year. In the years past I just turned off the station when commercials would come on. I hated listening to that particular advertisement. It stung that Jamie and Faith would never go to another "Father/Daughter" event.
This year I didn't seem to mind the commercial as much. I think that must be what acceptance looks like. As the tickets began to sell out it stopped playing as much.
I've often wondered though why don't they have a Mother/Son banquet. I'm pretty sure we moms of boys would love to have that kind of dinner too.
What hit me tonight is I don't "hate" the father/daughter stuff because Faith is gone but because I didn't have that kind of relationship with my father.
My dad was abusive. He emotionally abused everyone in our house. He favored my brother and pushed me aside. He did so many things I cannot share because that is my mom's story. He was addicted to drugs and alcohol. He was controlling and he never took me to a father/daughter banquet. If he did I don't remember it.
My father was also mentally unhealthy. We didn't know until I was in college that he was living with Bi-Polar Disorder. It wasn't diagnosed until I think around his early 40's.
You add drugs, alcohol, and an undiagnosed medical condition life was rough growing up.
I've overcome a lot and worked through my childhood baggage. It still rears up every now and then and this WCSG latest event triggered it.
I wish he had told me I was beautiful. I wish he wasn't so mean, manipulative and controlling. There were times he was funny and charismatic and charming. Those times are precious memories.
As he gets more fragile from the strokes he's had I few bad for him. He has allowed his meanness from having a real relationship with me and my boys. I'm just glad I forgave him. It still stings though seeing all the father/daughter stuff.
My biggest prayer for him is he finds peace with my mom and Jesus before he passes from this world. I also pray he apologizes to me for everything. I am not holding my breath on that one.
No comments:
Post a Comment