Happy New Year, My Princess

Dear Faithie,

 

Today is the first day of the year 2015 and it started not so pretty.  Last night I didn't fall asleep until about 1:00 am and woke up with a terrible, pounding headache at 10ish.  I came downstairs to see your brother, Elijah, playing on the PlayStation.  He nicely turned it off for me and let me watch some TV but I fell asleep for another two hours.  Daddy woke me up for brunch at noon.  I'll be honest my baby girl, I didn't want to wake up.  I don't want to start a new year without you in it.  After brunch I went upstairs and fell asleep for another 2hours.  Daddy is scared when I become so sad and depressed.  He tried to make me wake up.  Eventually I did and finally dressed for the day.  I decided to go out for lunch by myself and planned on visiting your body's resting place.

It's quiet here in the cemetery.  Today it is very cold but I still sat down to talk to you.  I wonder if you can hear me in Heaven or only God.  In my prayers everyday I ask him to hug you and kiss you for me.  He sends me random purple things in a day for me to see.  It reminds me that you are safe and happy where you are and that our Lord is watching over your family here.  When I was sitting down by your resting place, I saw some purple flowers many graves over.  That is just an example of how random it is.

 

Your sweet friend, Mackenzie, is very broken hearted.  She came to visit you on Christmas day and left you a necklace.  I put it in a safe place for you.  The necklace is half of a heart which says Best Friend.  My heart hurts for her because she no longer is innocent of death.  I gave her a present of you and her in a picture frame and a bear made out of some of your T-Shirts.  She wanted a hug from me and you know how hard it is for her to hug anyone.  She shied up when she came to me but but her momma told me what she wanted.  So I hugged her and kissed her on the top of the head like I would have you.  I am praying she will find another friend who understands her like you did.  She loves you. The picture you see here is the one I printed for her.  I love, love your smiles here.

 

 

Today was emotionally hard for me. I cried so hard when talking to you and then to God.  I couldn't stop when I arrived home.  My P.J.'s came back on and my blankets welcomed me.  Daddy again was worried about me and tried to make me come watch football or just come downstairs and cry.  Once I stood up your room called me.  There I laid down on your bed and sobbed.  My heart hurts so much and the idea of never hugging you again or tucking you in knocks the wind out of me. I wish more than anything you were still in your room like you are in this picture.  I wish your room was messy still and I had to climb over your stuff to come tuck you in.  Instead it's clean and empty of you.

After I stayed in your room a bit Daddy and Elijah came up to help me up.  I just went to my knees on your floor next to your bed and sobbed.  Eventually Daddy helped me up and I left your room.  I just miss you so much Faithie.  My heart wants you here but my mind knows that you are in a place that is amazing and perfect.  You are dancing and singing and talking to your two Great Papas, your Great Mema, your Great Aunt and Jesus.  You're smiling and laughing and will never be hurt again here.  You are safe in Jesus arms and even though I know all this and it gives me some comfort, my arms are empty and missing you.

 

So today is the New Year and will be different from the others. Happy New Year my Lady.

Love Always,

Momma