The last time I saw your face

Being at church is hard for me. My heart many times races and I cannot seem to focus on what my pastor is saying.  Also I feel closed in especially when my sons sit so close I can't sneeze.  This has nothing to do with my relationship with Jesus but just with seeing you Faithie in the front of the sanctuary.  It was the last time I saw your face and it wasn't the way I wanted to see you.  I remember thinking how the mortician made your face look so old and your hair was already looking dead and lifeless.  Before we left you that last time I kissed your very cold forehead and pushed the Queen Elsa build a bear your brothers made for you and let the song play, "Let it Go."   I grabbed Daddy's hand and we four walked out of the sanctuary never looked back.  My mind would rather see you laughing, smiling or crying or anything but lifeless.

Since the accident there are two visions I cannot seem to let out of my head.  The first one I described is one of them.  The second one is actually how I saw you first and that is you laying on the hospital gurney with a trach in your mouth and a neck brace around you. Faithie you were laying so very, very still under the cold, white sheet.  In my heart I wanted to ask for a warming blanket but I knew it would not do you any good.

I remember smelling urine and thought you had peed yourself during the accident out of fear.  "Aww my poor baby must have been so scared she peed herself," is what I said to the nurse who was in the room with me at the time.  Your Daddy was finally getting checked out to make sure he was ok and your Mema and I were the only ones in the room with the nurse. 

The nurse responded to me gently, "She didn't feel anything.  Her body just released her body fluids after she passed.  It's a normal and that is why you smell her pee."  I nodded and grabbed your left hand and tried rubbing warmth in it.

"Please Baby wake up for me.  Open your eyes for you Momma. Please Baby."  The whole time rubbing her hands hoping to spark life.  Hey God is a God of miracles, right?  He could have brought her back to life.  Unfortunately for your family here but great for you, Faithie, you were already dancing in his arms.

While I sat there I peeked under the sheet.  On the way to the hospital I had mentally prepared to see your body broken, bruised and bleeding.  I figured if you had died you must have been really broken.  Yet when I arrived you only had one visible bruise and that was where the seat belt grabbed you.  When I looked underneath there were no visible spots of brokenness or bleeding.  The nurse noticed my perplexed look and said, "She's beautiful and looks perfect."

Your new purple snow suit was cut off, your feet were shoe and sockless, and your whole body was naked.  I wanted so bad to see your chest rise and fall and I said to you again, "Please, please Faithie wake up for me."

While sitting in the quiet, dreary room my three best friends came in.  I looked at them and said or at least thought I did, "She's so beautiful."  I moved to the front of you head.  Your hair was it's normal mess and Jerri went to get her hairbrush for me. 

You had leaves in your hair and I started brushing it.  You never let me brush your much.  There were many times you'd hit or try to hit me out of anger over it hurting.  We even had a no cry/no hit chart.  We had started it about a month before you died.  As you can see we didn't get very far.

So I sat in that room just brushing and brushing and brushing your hair.  The room filled with people while doing it. Also along with filling it a few nurses came in to take a mold of your hands and to cut a lock of your hair.  I asked for the piece of you hair that had the knot we were working on brushing out.  It had gone from golf ball size to a quarter and we were brushing it over the last three weeks.  I could have cut it off but I knew you wanted long hair and hell I have been battling your hair for years and I wasn't going to let this one knot defeat me.

One of my bestie's, Tish, leaned over and said to me, "I'm so glad you took that piece. It'll mean so much to you."  During this time the ME came in talking to me about taking you but I really didn't pay attention to him so he must have talked to a nurse because she came in and basically said, "It's time."

Ugh!  I never wanted to leave you and I braided your hair not listening.  I then laid my head down on your forehead crying and Tish prayed over me.

Your Daddy, brothers and I were entering that time of leaving your little, not so little body. 

It was time to walk away.

It was time to stop trying to rub warmth into your hands.

It was time to accept that you were now forever in time in the arms of Christ.

It was time to accept you, Faithie, were no longer going to be in my arms.

Oh it was time to walk out of those doors,

BUT I wish I could have gone back in time to hold you longer.

I love you Faithie, ALWAYS and FOREVER,
I wish you were celebrating your birthday with us tomorrow,
I love and miss you,
Love,
Momma