Saturday, May 2, 2015

Choices, Choices, Choices


Choices are all around us.  Everyday Faithie we make a choice.  It's impossible to not make at least one choice in your day.  The very first choice that you make is are you going to stay in bed all day or get up and do something productive or go to work or go to school.  See Faithie you cannot not make a choice in a day.

The choices in a day can be simple or hard.  What am I going to wear today? Do I want breakfast or skip it? If you know momma I usually skip it.  *smile* What should the family do this weekend? Will I talk to my friends today? What is for dinner?  When should I go to bed?  And so many other choices you make that you don't even realize that they are a choice.

Then there are big choices we make in life like who will I marry?  Do I love this person like I think? How many children will we want? What is a good name for our baby?  Do I want to go to college? What should I major in?  Do I believe in Christ?

The big choices are many times harder to make and one of those choices that are hard to make is to forgive or to hold onto a grudge.  Your Daddy and I both had to make this decision and we knew right away what we would do.

The night you died Princess I knew right away two things.  My heart was broken forever but I choose these two choices that I knew God would approve and you would approve. 

The first choice was your death was not going to destroy your Momma and Daddy's marriage.  We have gone through so much in our 14 years and we will go much more.  Daddy was so broken and strangely calm when he said to me over the phone, "She didn't make it Babe."  I knew he would go through survivors guilt.  After he called I started calling as many people as I could to send them to be with Daddy at the hospital.  No our marriage was going and is going to survive you going to Heaven. I was reminded of this verse in the Bible:
Joshua 24:15
But if serving the Lord seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.”
Daddy wanted us to do a serious picture here 
The second choice I made even before talking to Daddy and hearing if the "Kid" was drunk, drugged or texting, was I'm going to forgive him.  I knew it deep in my heart during that 2 hour trip to the hospital that there was no other choice for me. 

Jamie and I hadn't really talked about it until later I just knew to forgive.  We even told our neighbor that.  I knew I was concerned about the "Kid" and if he was okay.  I knew he was around 24 and didn't mean to cause the accident.  My neighbor said this for us to a reporter with MLive.
"They know it was not on purpose, they know it was nothing that he did and they just really want people to know they've forgiven him and want to make sure he gets love and support so that he can heal, because this will greatly impact his life. ... "(It's) a tremendous burden. As they're grieving they're also really concerned about him as well," Bartosiewicz-Hamilton said.

I remember telling everyone who would listen that I wanted to hug the "Kid" and physically know he was okay.  It was advised against us and him too.  I discovered in court that the "Kid" wanted to contact and communicate with us too.

The "Kid" settled with a plea of No Contest.  He was given community service and a suspended license for a year.  I spoke first at the sentencing.  I started off with saying, Peter one of Jesus disciples came to him and asked "How many times should I forgive my brother who sins against me.  Jesus responded, "I tell forgive not just 7x7 but 70x7"

Then I took a deep breath and started to read about my last day with Faithie but ended up veering away because of something the defense attorney said, "We all know no good can come from this."  I said "Good can come from this."  I explained that my husband I forgave you right away, "Kid".  I have been praying for you since this happened and that I love you.  Then I asked the "Kid" can I give you a hug and looked at the judge to see if that was okay. The judge said, "Yes" and the "Kid" said yes.

I hugged him so tight and told him to be a good daddy and a great husband.  I heard a saying once, "Never be the first person to let go because you could be the only hug that person gets that day."  Unfortunately that quote wasn't in my brain at the moment and I would have just stayed there hugging him but I didn't want it to be awkward.  When I started to pull away he squeezed harder and then I remember the quote.  I just held him until he was ready to let go.  He whispered "Thank you" in my ear.  Jamie and him hugged next.

The judge took a few seconds to speak afterwards.  You could hear a pin drop in the court room.  When we were waiting our turn the courtroom was constantly shuffling and people coming and going.  It just stopped when I started talking and didn't pick up I don't think until we left.

I hope people will understand there is a great power of healing in forgiveness.  I left the courtroom with this verse that has spoken to me throughout the last 5 1/2 months:
Ephesians 4:32
32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

I am so glad I was finally able to hug the "Kid" and that the weight of this part of our lives was lifted. 

Well Baby Girl I think you'd be proud of us to know that we are choosing to continue to live and love and forgive. I still miss you everyday and my pillow is full of tears but I will choose life over giving up.

I love you ALWAYS and FOREVER,
Love,
Momma

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