I have bad words running around my head

Dear Family and Friends,

Yup I bet this would surprise many of you and some not so much.  I am keeping these words firmly from my tongue but I am swirling today inside my brain.  After cleaning up my sewing area I came across patterns that I had planned to use for Faith. One was to make her a Dr dress and the other was to finish up her Elsa dress I made last year.

Elijah was next to me and I said out loud to him, "What the hell am I going to do with this frozen dress pattern now?"  Usually he says "Mo-ooo-mmm," but today he just looked at me and put his hand on my shoulder.  It's times like these I wish I could sink into a hole.

I feel like the only time I blog is about a sad moment and rarely good.  But I am being honest with everything.  I am tired of grieving.  I am tired of my heart hurting all the time.  In the beginning it was numb and shut down and I wish it still was.  Unfortunately it cannot. 

Tomorrow I have a second job interview.  I was called back for an individual interview.  There is a part of me that wants to sabotage the interview so I can stay hidden in my house and the other part that says get that job.

Up, down, Up, down over and over and over again.  I WANT OFF OF THIS RIDE!  I want off but I don't think God will give me that desire. 

The struggle is real family and friends.  The struggle to shower and clean and make dinner and get out of the bed and interact with my family it is all real.  It is real and that makes it even harder to swallow because she is NEVER coming home. It is real and today I have words of the unmannerly kind running around my head.

Thanks to all my friends and family who are not abandoning me and my family and who aren't judging us.  You are loved.

Love,
Heather