Sunset to the Unspoken

1. SUNRISE DEDICATION Let us celebrate the beginning of this healing month by waking up early to watch the sunrise wherever we in the world. Step outside into the fresh air and take some time to breathe the sunrise in. Watch all of the colours of your world transform before your eyes.  Spend some time reflecting upon what you want your intention for this month to be. Maybe even come up with a word for your intention so that you can write it down and revisit it each day. 

What do I want this month to be about for me?  My Jamie isn't going to do this with me because his therapist thinks it will bring up triggers for him and she's warned him it could the do the same to me.  It could trigger depression.  Jamie has warned me everyday since Monday to be very, very careful about walking through this month.  I don't know if it will.  I think anything at this point might trigger depression.  Today I am fine.  I don't know what "Word" I want to represent this journey.  I'm not sure what I want to get out of this.  I just know that I'm going to keep plugging away. I truly don't know if I should heed Jamie's warning.  I'm not sure if this sharing is to help me or maybe just to give you all the inside on what I go through.  I do know that I lost a child and I want everyone to remember her ALWAYS and FOREVER!!

So this is my sunrise.  Jamie and I were up all night last night.  We all drove together to take Elijah to school and this is the sunrise I saw when we came back home. I think it is beautiful.

Sunrise outside my porch

So I'm no good at waking up in the morning.  It is not something I enjoy but alas I do it because I must get my family off to their separate places.  My Faithie was not easy to wake up in the morning.  She was so much like her Daddy in this department.  There would be many days she would go crawl into my bed and snuggle with Jamie until I had to force her up for school. Oh the days.  I really miss them.   Since I don't really like waking up I have not been able to do the Sunrise day.  Today was the day and I think it was a perfect Sunrise.

My Princess not wanting to wake up

5. THE UNSPOKEN | Normalizing grief is so important and that I why today I am calling upon those who feel brave enough to speak about the nitty gritty side of grief. Share something about your grief journey that you might feel is strange or not common. It might be something you do to remember your children by or maybe it is something you fear about the future. Often while grieving we have feelings of isolation because we fear judgement that what we are feeling isn’t normal. But it is amazing to see just how many people feel the same way. When others stand up and express how they feel through sharing their experiences, it allows us to say “Hey, I feel that way too!” and the fear of feeling like we are crazy is lifted and in some cases embraced!

Hmm the Unspoken of grief.  What can I say about this? I have been pretty candid over the last 23 months and I think that has helped many people to understand what is going on with Jamie and me and our boys.

Here are some tidbits I may have not shared.  I often want to run away from my boys and hide.  But the very idea of being away from them more than 2 days suffocates me.  

I have been the care taker in our home this past almost 2 years.  My sweet husband is suffering from PTSD with Major Depression.  He tries when he can and is thankfully seeking help weekly to continue to move forward.  He feels so much guilt sometimes because he thinks he killed "My daughter," the my being me, his wife.

I don't want this to come across as conceited or arrogant so please don't judge me on this next statement.  In this house I'm the strong one who continues to push us forward.  It is in my genetic makeup.  I don't want to be the strong to be honest.  I wish it wasn't in me.  I wish I could just cry every single day and hide under my covers.  I wish I looked like a grieving mom.

There are days I cry but not all the time

What does that mean? Look like a grieving mom?  I often feel so incredibly guilty that I can move forward every day.  I feel so much empathy for those other moms who struggle daily to move. They cannot focus on their family but just their grief.  They struggle with the day to day. You can tell by their red rimmed eyes they are struggling to keep the tears from constantly flowing.  My heart wants to wrap my arms around them and squeeze them and take away their pain.  

For some reason I've never been able to grieve like this.  For the first 19 months I was in a state of numbness.  There were days of crying but I was able to work through it.  I don't remember much from that time period.  I just knew I had to be strong.  I'm never going to be that mom who lives in a state of grief, but I wish I could have been at times.  Why would I wish that?  I think so I can feel normal about my journey.  This journey has felt too calm.  

It makes me feel like people think I've just moved on and forgotten.  Or that I am cold because I don't break down.  It is not me. I don't think it ever will be.  To those sweet beautiful moms who struggle one breath and one day at a time.  I love you.

And to me love me and accept that my grief journey will always be different.  Heather Maire also learn to let go of the guilt.   

I'm not always "Strong" but I will keep moving forward.  I have two handsome boys and a gorgeous husband who rely on me.  And I think I would not have it any other way most days.