I'm not happy. I don't feel joyful at the moment. In fact I feel really pissed off. My daughter is gone and I'm pissed about that. I have pictures all over my house of her or of her and her brothers.
The pictures have become a constant reminder that this is the only way I will ever be able to see Faithie again. They are taunting me saying, "na na na you can't hold her," "you can only see her in still life," "ha ha on you! She isn't really here."
I want to smash every single picture frame because I am so angry she isn't here to hold or listen to. Those pictures mean memories to me but oh what I want most I cannot have. I said I want to smash them, but the realistic part of me holds me back. It tells me if you smash those you'll sink into depression. And why is that? It's because if I didn't have any reminders of my Baby Girl around this house, then it'd feel even more empty.
However this week they, the pictures, are angering me. My arms hurt to hold her one more time. I'd give anything to hold her just one more time.
Please family and friends hold your loves closer tonight. Give them a big "squeeze" (what Faithie called hugs) even if they don't want it. If they are already asleep, give them a kiss on the forehead. I beg of you to do this. In all honestly you just never know what tomorrow may hold. I'm hoping it holds Jesus' return. That would be fantastic, awesome and amazing!!
Sorry Friends and Family for a not so positive letter today. It's how I've been feeling this week.
Don't apologize for feeling this way! It is both normal AND okay. I am so sorry this was a tough week. Praying for next week to be a little easier. xoxo
ReplyDeleteMaybe you should put the pictures in the curio cabinet so they are close but not in your constant view. I love you and I hope that the pissed off feeling subsides even if it's only for a little while
ReplyDeleteIt's okay! Anger is normal. Not fair but it's part of the journey your on. Sending love!!!
ReplyDeleteHang in there Heather! You will overcome!!