Daddy's Hurt Too

 

I found this poem today and it truly represents my husband.  He tries to be strong but I know he's hurting inside.  Jamie is also suffering from PTSD from the accident and thankfully is going to therapy.  He keeps things inside too much in order to protect me from hurting more.  I am so thankful he has been opening up to me over the last few months. 

 

He misses Faithie too. 

 

 People just don't understand we, those who are grieving,  need their friends to stick around after the initial tragedy.  The unfortunate thing from what I have personally discovered is people disappear.  I accepted it fine but it has hurt my husband and has made him angry.  My heart hurts to watch him struggle.  I love him so much and would take it all away if I could: ALL of it.

 Daddy's Grieve Too

 People don't always see

the tears a dad cries,

His heart is broken too 

when his child dies.

 

He tries to hold it together

and be strong,

Even though his world's gone wrong.

 

He holds his wife as her tears fall,

Comforts her through it all,

He goes through his day doing 

what he's supposed to do,

 

But a piece of his heart has been

ripped away too.

So when he's alone he lets out his pain,

And his tears come like falling rain,

His world has crashed in around him,

 

And a world that was once bright

has gone dim.

He feels he has to be strong for others,

But Dads hurt too, not just the Mothers,

 

He searches for answers

but none are to be found,

He hides behind a mask

when he is feeling down.

 

He smiles through his tears,

He struggles and holds in his fears,

But what you see on the outside

is not always real,

 

Men don't always show how they really feel.

So I'd like to ask a favor of you,

The next time you see a mother hurting

over the loss of her child,

 

please remember.....a Dad hurts to

 

Faithie's last IEP meeting

ife 7 years later

 Seven years ago this was my "Baby Girl" (and I still call her my "Baby Girl" because she'll always be that.  She does correct me at times with, "I'm a big girl now")at 2 1/2 years old.  She had a thing for bubbles and loved the big bubble exhibit at the Grand Rapids Children's Museum.  This picture is about a month before she was officially diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder.  Jamie and I for years were trying to figure out what was different about our girl.  We thought she couldn't hear because she never responded to us or noises.  I knew long before my sister in law, Brooke, told me what she thought what was going on with Faith. I just wasn't ready at the time and we prolonged the evaluation for a year because of me. 

Here in this blog I wrote about us finding out she was autstic:
 http://halloddfamily.blogspot.com/2007/02/faith-austim-spectrum-disorder-and-life.html

Our life changed then.  Faith started attending school at Croyden before she was three.  I remember crying so hard her first day of school and so scared to put her on the bus.  Jamie wanted me to get her into the routine of school right away and put her on the bus.  I am so thankful to this day that God made it snow and snow and snow.  It was because of that snow that Jamie was nervous about putting her on the bus and came home to pick us up.  It was April 11th, 2007 that we took her to school.  She'd be at Croyden until she started Kindergarten in 2009.

Here is an entry I wrote in my blog in August of 2008:  (It shows some progress she already made at Croyden)

Faith is moving up in school!! She will be graduating from the tutor part of her school and move to the Early Learning Skills class. It is basically a very structured preschool with focusing on each child and their IEP goals. Her teacher told us that she is involving herself in parrell play with another child and they have created a game together!! It is the "Wake Up" game. Faith actually learned that at home b/c one of us will fake sleep and the other will yell "wake up". It's exciting to see her progress.

I am writing today, 7 years later and 7 IEP's later to say my "Baby Girl" is moving from regular speech therapy and OT monthly/ weekly to consultative.  She has progressed so much that her two therapists have decided she no longer needs them.  This is both a very happy and scary thing.

Mr. Casey, her OT, has been with Faith I think since she started kindergarten (and maybe a year before that).  He has helped her writing and everything else an OT does wonderfully.  I am so thankful for his constant prescence at our IEP meetings and the stories he's shared with us over the years of what Faithie has done at her sessions.  Jamie and I are so thankful for Mr. Casey in his love for her, patience and teaching her.  He will be missed but I know he'll help another set of parents reach this exciting time.  Below are two examples of Faith's writings now...

 

Faithie loves doctoring people.  She even plays virtual doctor games on my phone.  Here in the picture above she made this picture for me and wrote clear as day, "Doctor" on it.

The picture below brought tears to my eyes.  She brought this worksheet home in her first week of school.  My lovely girl is dotting her i's with hearts!!! SO EXTREMELY AGE APPROPRIATE and something I never knew if we'd see out of her.   So thank you so much Mr. Casey!!!  I pray you have this kind of success with all your other sweet children you're helping.

 Now for Miss. Sarah.... She has been Faithie's speech teacher since Faith started Croyden (7 years). Sarah told us, and Mr Casey too, that Faith has made amazing gains over the last few years on her IEP goals with them.  They both warned us that this day was coming and Miss. Sara (please forgive me if you spell this with and H or not), teared up thinking about it.  She also told us, as much as she didn't want too, that she feels Faith would benefit from ADHD meds.  (Again this has taken me a year to actually follow through, but I am thankful for her honesty).  I know it was hard for her to say because she also teared up telling us that too.

Miss. Sara I am so thankful to you for taking all this time with Faithie.  I understand it is your job but you do it with love and I can see that.  Faith went from maybe only saying, "yeah, mama, dada" at 2 to having conversations with me.  I know I have to pull the topics out of her but I want you to know I don't think we'd be there if it wasn't for your very hard work.

In fact Faithie is cheerleading this year!!  If she wasn't able to talk or communicate, we'd probably not be able to have her to do that!  You're hard work (and those of your student teachers/interns) has paid off.

Yesterday Faith and I had a momma/ daughter date.  We went to Culver's for chocolate ice cream.  My girl placed her own order to the cashier, "I want chocolate with Reece's Peanut butter cup, Please"

After ice cream we drove to pick her brothers up from Cub and Boy Scouts when I asked her about band.  She said no she went to STEAM.  I truthfully didn't know what she was saying so after me asking her about 5 questions I think out of frustration she did this, "I went to steam.  S-T-E-A-M" spelling it to me.  I was floored that she knew what to do to get me to understand.

She then initiated echoing talk on the way to pick up Elijah. It went like this, "wwhhheeeerrrreeee aaaaerrrreee wwwweeee ggggoooiinngg?"  It was a fun 20 minutes of talking like we were in a cave with echoes and even better that she initiated.

So today is a big, wonderful day for Faithie and her IEP.  AND I am so grateful for Miss Sarah and Mr Casey for teaching her.  Thank you isn't enough.p

Silenc is NOT always golden

When I was a teenager my youth group used to play this game called, "Silence is Golden."  One person would say some bizarre sentences like, "The sky is pink. I live in the ground.  The moon is made out of cheese," and then ask if anyone had an inspiration.

I hated this game for a long time until I figured out how to play it.  For those who've never played, I'm not telling you here.  I will say this, I was almost always someone inspiration.  Pretty cool huh? Being an inspiration to people.

There are so many things we all miss about you, Faithie.  Elijah misses you talking to him about the game Minecraft.  He loved hearing you say, "Elijah! Elijah! My sheep are naked!!!"  I still remember that day.  I was sitting on the couch playing on probably my kindle and watching you play Minecraft.  Elijah was in the living room and you suddenly yelled for him.  It made me and Elijah giggle and it was fun seeing your joy.

Trever misses hearing you talk about the Undertaker.  Whenever his music would come on (for those of you who don't know who that is, he is a WWE wrestler), you would come running into the TV room and yell out loud with excitement, "THAT'S MY FAVORITE SUPERSTAR!!"

Daddy misses you running into his arms and saying, "Daddy you're home!"  You were the one who always greeted him first.  It was so sweet watching.

So as you can see from these above we are all missing your voice.  The silence here is not golden or even wonderful. You fought so hard to find your voice over the years.  Before you were diagnosed with autism you only said Mama, Dada, and Yeah.  Towards the end of you life you could speak many words and sentences.  I loved listening to you talk.  I love the way your voice sounded.  It was always music to my ears, your Daddy's ears and everyone who loved you.

There were times when you would say nothing and I miss those too.  When your brothers are fighting like crazy I could count on sweet peace from you. You fought but usually with your fists.  I miss the your silence in the noise and I miss your voice in the house now.  I miss you.

So as you can see Baby Girl silence is no longer golden here.  It's your voice we all miss the most.  When I asked your brothers and Dad what they missed they had no idea I was writing about missing your voice.  This just went to show me how much your voice meant to us.  

What I miss you saying most to me is, "I love you, Me too!"

Oh Baby I bet Jesus is just soaking in your voice right now. He's smiling with joy at all the words you're able to share now.  I'm very glad you have Him to talk to until we come.

I love you Baby, ALWAYS and FOREVER,

Love Always,
Momma

Binder Zoo 2007

My Heart Hurts

I just cannot stop, stop, stop missing you.  I thought my tears had dried up over the last few days but they came back in full force today.  Momma cannot stop the tears today and my tummy is so sad sick.  My heart is in pain.  I need you here my Lady.  I need you here but you will never be here again.  It sucks like no other.  It's a pain that will never go away.  It may dull over time but it will always be there. 

Happy Birthday My Lady

Baby Girl it's been 7 months since we saw you last and I still cannot believe you are gone. Sweet Baby so many things have happened in the last month: your first birthday in Heaven came, Momma's first birthday without you, going on a women's retreat with church, and end of the school and no you.

We celebrated your birthday even though you weren't here.  I can only imagine how beautiful and perfect your birthday was up in Heaven.  I  tied dyed  shirts for the us with purple and Daddy had a cake made for you.  We went to your body's resting place and released balloons.  Everyone who came said something to you as they released.  Mackenzie's momma said, "I hope you ate a lot of sugar today in Heaven."

Your Papa really misses you.  He choked up when he said his thoughts.  I love your Papa Faithie.  He has become a "Dad" to me and is protective of me.  It's something I always wanted growing up and I dearly love him like you did.  He's already told me that we will be able to get through Family Camp together.... We're not looking forward to it this year.

Elijah wasn't happy much.  His face shows it all in the picture.  When we released the balloons he went chasing them and yelled, "Come Back".  I wonder if the "Come Back" was directed to you more than the balloons.  A part of my heart believes it was.

 

Daddy too is really missing you too.  If you look at his face you can see he is smiling but look closer and you can see his eyes are missing some spark.  He wishes you were here too like me but we would never want you to leave Heaven and the most safe places of places.

A friend of ours made this cake for us and you would have LOVED IT!!  It was so tasty and chocolatey.....

I miss you Baby.  It's all I really have to say today.  I just miss, miss, miss you and look forward to the day I can hug you again in Heaven.

I love you ALWAYS and FOREVER,
Love,
Momma

The last time I saw your face

Being at church is hard for me. My heart many times races and I cannot seem to focus on what my pastor is saying.  Also I feel closed in especially when my sons sit so close I can't sneeze.  This has nothing to do with my relationship with Jesus but just with seeing you Faithie in the front of the sanctuary.  It was the last time I saw your face and it wasn't the way I wanted to see you.  I remember thinking how the mortician made your face look so old and your hair was already looking dead and lifeless.  Before we left you that last time I kissed your very cold forehead and pushed the Queen Elsa build a bear your brothers made for you and let the song play, "Let it Go."   I grabbed Daddy's hand and we four walked out of the sanctuary never looked back.  My mind would rather see you laughing, smiling or crying or anything but lifeless.

Since the accident there are two visions I cannot seem to let out of my head.  The first one I described is one of them.  The second one is actually how I saw you first and that is you laying on the hospital gurney with a trach in your mouth and a neck brace around you. Faithie you were laying so very, very still under the cold, white sheet.  In my heart I wanted to ask for a warming blanket but I knew it would not do you any good.

I remember smelling urine and thought you had peed yourself during the accident out of fear.  "Aww my poor baby must have been so scared she peed herself," is what I said to the nurse who was in the room with me at the time.  Your Daddy was finally getting checked out to make sure he was ok and your Mema and I were the only ones in the room with the nurse. 

The nurse responded to me gently, "She didn't feel anything.  Her body just released her body fluids after she passed.  It's a normal and that is why you smell her pee."  I nodded and grabbed your left hand and tried rubbing warmth in it.

"Please Baby wake up for me.  Open your eyes for you Momma. Please Baby."  The whole time rubbing her hands hoping to spark life.  Hey God is a God of miracles, right?  He could have brought her back to life.  Unfortunately for your family here but great for you, Faithie, you were already dancing in his arms.

While I sat there I peeked under the sheet.  On the way to the hospital I had mentally prepared to see your body broken, bruised and bleeding.  I figured if you had died you must have been really broken.  Yet when I arrived you only had one visible bruise and that was where the seat belt grabbed you.  When I looked underneath there were no visible spots of brokenness or bleeding.  The nurse noticed my perplexed look and said, "She's beautiful and looks perfect."

Your new purple snow suit was cut off, your feet were shoe and sockless, and your whole body was naked.  I wanted so bad to see your chest rise and fall and I said to you again, "Please, please Faithie wake up for me."

While sitting in the quiet, dreary room my three best friends came in.  I looked at them and said or at least thought I did, "She's so beautiful."  I moved to the front of you head.  Your hair was it's normal mess and Jerri went to get her hairbrush for me. 

You had leaves in your hair and I started brushing it.  You never let me brush your much.  There were many times you'd hit or try to hit me out of anger over it hurting.  We even had a no cry/no hit chart.  We had started it about a month before you died.  As you can see we didn't get very far.

So I sat in that room just brushing and brushing and brushing your hair.  The room filled with people while doing it. Also along with filling it a few nurses came in to take a mold of your hands and to cut a lock of your hair.  I asked for the piece of you hair that had the knot we were working on brushing out.  It had gone from golf ball size to a quarter and we were brushing it over the last three weeks.  I could have cut it off but I knew you wanted long hair and hell I have been battling your hair for years and I wasn't going to let this one knot defeat me.

One of my bestie's, Tish, leaned over and said to me, "I'm so glad you took that piece. It'll mean so much to you."  During this time the ME came in talking to me about taking you but I really didn't pay attention to him so he must have talked to a nurse because she came in and basically said, "It's time."

Ugh!  I never wanted to leave you and I braided your hair not listening.  I then laid my head down on your forehead crying and Tish prayed over me.

Your Daddy, brothers and I were entering that time of leaving your little, not so little body. 

It was time to walk away.

It was time to stop trying to rub warmth into your hands.

It was time to accept that you were now forever in time in the arms of Christ.

It was time to accept you, Faithie, were no longer going to be in my arms.

Oh it was time to walk out of those doors,

BUT I wish I could have gone back in time to hold you longer.

I love you Faithie, ALWAYS and FOREVER,
I wish you were celebrating your birthday with us tomorrow,
I love and miss you,
Love,
Momma

How to celebrate when grieving

Okay Faithie I was a mess ALL DAY LONG!! I really didn't think I would be overly upset because we normally don't make Mother's Day a huge thing.  When I grew up, this day was always horrible for me and my mom.  That's a whole different story for a whole different day.

Daddy usually writes me a note and buys me a flower or plant to grow outside.  We usually like to do something special for your Mema's but this year we just stayed here.  Daddy was really missing you the day before Mother's Day.  He wrote this on his Facebook page:

Some days are harder than others. The days that you think would be hard tend to go better than others. The 7th of May was the 6th month since the accident. That day went pretty smoothly. Heather Marie and I kind of had the day planned out. The following day had a event that neither one of us will forget. Woodsedge had a program put on by a bunch of different autistic classes. The class Faith would of been in went last. They did a tribute for Faith. Which Heather were aware of.... Soon as they put the picture of Faith up on the screen I couldn't control my emotions. Then Saturday came, normally sometime in the day I would take the three kids out to pick something out for Heather for Mother's Day. Normally we would pick out some kind of plant or flower. So the boys and I headed out today, it felt like we were missing something. We were, but it was someone. It didn't feel right getting a flower or plant. Trever and Elijah both said no plants this time. Mother's Day won't be so happy in the Hall house.

Daddy told me at night in more detail how much he loved going to pick something out with you and your brothers.  

I had everyone make hearts to show a piece of my heart isn't here but she is not forgotten.

I think you're brothers forgot it was Mother's Day.  They had some pretty crappy attitudes and I cried most of the day.  I think Elijah was really missing your presence.  Trever just didn't want to help pick up.  Usually every Mother's Day Daddy has you three help pick up the house and we either go out to eat or you all make something.    I decided I would rather cook and clean. In all honesty it made me forget it was Mother's Day.  I wanted to forget and so doing things I would normally do helped.

At one point it rained and it was a nice warm rain.  I loved playing in the rain with you.  Elijah was outside when it started and I went and joined him.  That really made my crappy day a bit brighter.  We even jumped in the puddles together.  Elijah even later made me scrambled eggs.  They were yummy.  He put salsa and cheese in them.  He has gotten really good at cooking eggs.

 I loved the card your brothers picked out on their own.  Daddy said to them you two are acting like your card!!  It was funny.  This year your brothers didn't want to buy the same thing I normally get which is flowers or plants.  I love those plants and flowers but they told your Daddy no.  They each picked something out on their own.  Trever picked out a candle with a lemon scent and Elijah a body pillow.  They both know me and what I like.  I felt blessed even though I was a mess.

So this momma thought Mother's Day was going to be no problem.  I was so, so, so wrong.  The first few months of your passing I was on auto pilot.  Christmas came and went, Daddy's birthday, the New Year and daily life and I just let it go pass.  In February I started to wake up from auto pilot but I think April is where I've really been alert to your voice being gone.  I take a deep breath sometimes and it hurts because I thought of you. 

I love you ALWAYS and FOREVER,

Love,

Momma

Choices, Choices, Choices

Choices are all around us.  Everyday Faithie we make a choice.  It's impossible to not make at least one choice in your day.  The very first choice that you make is are you going to stay in bed all day or get up and do something productive or go to work or go to school.  See Faithie you cannot not make a choice in a day.

The choices in a day can be simple or hard.  What am I going to wear today? Do I want breakfast or skip it? If you know momma I usually skip it.  *smile* What should the family do this weekend? Will I talk to my friends today? What is for dinner?  When should I go to bed?  And so many other choices you make that you don't even realize that they are a choice.

Then there are big choices we make in life like who will I marry?  Do I love this person like I think? How many children will we want? What is a good name for our baby?  Do I want to go to college? What should I major in?  Do I believe in Christ?

The big choices are many times harder to make and one of those choices that are hard to make is to forgive or to hold onto a grudge.  Your Daddy and I both had to make this decision and we knew right away what we would do.

The night you died Princess I knew right away two things.  My heart was broken forever but I choose these two choices that I knew God would approve and you would approve. 

The first choice was your death was not going to destroy your Momma and Daddy's marriage.  We have gone through so much in our 14 years and we will go much more.  Daddy was so broken and strangely calm when he said to me over the phone, "She didn't make it Babe."  I knew he would go through survivors guilt.  After he called I started calling as many people as I could to send them to be with Daddy at the hospital.  No our marriage was going and is going to survive you going to Heaven. I was reminded of this verse in the Bible:

Joshua 24:15
But if serving the Lord seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.”

Daddy wanted us to do a serious picture here 

The second choice I made even before talking to Daddy and hearing if the "Kid" was drunk, drugged or texting, was I'm going to forgive him.  I knew it deep in my heart during that 2 hour trip to the hospital that there was no other choice for me. 

Jamie and I hadn't really talked about it until later I just knew to forgive.  We even told our neighbor that.  I knew I was concerned about the "Kid" and if he was okay.  I knew he was around 24 and didn't mean to cause the accident.  My neighbor said this for us to a reporter with MLive.

"They know it was not on purpose, they know it was nothing that he did and they just really want people to know they've forgiven him and want to make sure he gets love and support so that he can heal, because this will greatly impact his life. ... "(It's) a tremendous burden. As they're grieving they're also really concerned about him as well," Bartosiewicz-Hamilton said.

I remember telling everyone who would listen that I wanted to hug the "Kid" and physically know he was okay.  It was advised against us and him too.  I discovered in court that the "Kid" wanted to contact and communicate with us too.

The "Kid" settled with a plea of No Contest.  He was given community service and a suspended license for a year.  I spoke first at the sentencing.  I started off with saying, Peter one of Jesus disciples came to him and asked "How many times should I forgive my brother who sins against me.  Jesus responded, "I tell forgive not just 7x7 but 70x7"

Then I took a deep breath and started to read about my last day with Faithie but ended up veering away because of something the defense attorney said, "We all know no good can come from this."  I said "Good can come from this."  I explained that my husband I forgave you right away, "Kid".  I have been praying for you since this happened and that I love you.  Then I asked the "Kid" can I give you a hug and looked at the judge to see if that was okay. The judge said, "Yes" and the "Kid" said yes.

I hugged him so tight and told him to be a good daddy and a great husband.  I heard a saying once, "Never be the first person to let go because you could be the only hug that person gets that day."  Unfortunately that quote wasn't in my brain at the moment and I would have just stayed there hugging him but I didn't want it to be awkward.  When I started to pull away he squeezed harder and then I remember the quote.  I just held him until he was ready to let go.  He whispered "Thank you" in my ear.  Jamie and him hugged next.

The judge took a few seconds to speak afterwards.  You could hear a pin drop in the court room.  When we were waiting our turn the courtroom was constantly shuffling and people coming and going.  It just stopped when I started talking and didn't pick up I don't think until we left.

I hope people will understand there is a great power of healing in forgiveness.  I left the courtroom with this verse that has spoken to me throughout the last 5 1/2 months:

Ephesians 4:32

³² Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

I am so glad I was finally able to hug the "Kid" and that the weight of this part of our lives was lifted. 

Well Baby Girl I think you'd be proud of us to know that we are choosing to continue to live and love and forgive. I still miss you everyday and my pillow is full of tears but I will choose life over giving up.

I love you ALWAYS and FOREVER,
Love,
Momma

Memories seem so far away

Faithie I feel like I am losing my damn mind.  I have always been forgetful but in the last 5 months it has become worse.  Yesterday Elijah said to me, "Mommy you've been way more forgetful since Sissy died." To which I sighed and agreed.

It makes me afraid of developing early stages of Alzheimer's.  My Grandpa Prudhomme died from this disease when I was 14.  He had this disease for 7 years and ended up passing away at the VA Hospital.  I loved him so much.  I hope you are able to see him in Heaven and see why I loved him.

Today I cried to your daddy because this memory loss is making feel crazy. I didn't remember what today was and I was trying to convince Daddy to take his medicines for the day.  He was like "Honey I already took them" and I said "No Tuesday's meds were still in the pillbox."  It took me about a minute to realize it is Monday.

Faithie I forgot about a birthday party your brothers were invited to this last Saturday.  I haven't told them because I'm not in the mood to deal with their whining and complaining to me. 

It is really bad.  I haven't forgotten my memories of you though.  I remember feeling your head as you were coming into this world, hearing you say I love you, talking about your friends at church, anything Frozen you'd talk to me about, snuggling with you at night, holding your hand, watching you care for people and anything memory wise.  I love those memories!

It's just the day to day memories and reminders I'm screwing up.  Faithie I wish you were here.  Maybe my memory will be better. 

From my understanding this is normal.  I feel like for me it'll never go back to being good.  Oh baby I miss you so very, very, very much!!

I love you ALWAYS and FOREVER,
Love,
Momma

My Nephew Ben's View on your absence

Today I have a guest post from my nephew Ben.  He was given an assignment at school to tell of four things that have impacted or changed his life.  He is only 10, well he just turned 11 last month, and this is a big assignment for this age.  What in the world could have impacted such change?  Unfortunately for Ben your death, Faithie, created a big change in his life.  He wrote this without any prompting from his momma, your aunt.  I never realized how much he loved you until I read this.  I'm so thankful you were surrounded with love, my Lady.

(Faithie is happy here but with her autism camera's bother her and she doesn't usually smile because it may flash.)

Ben's Letter/Paper

November 7^th 2014 was the day my life changed forever. I wish it was a dream but sadly it was not. This was the day that Faith died.

When Faith was alive she had autism. For Faith autism meant she didn’t talk a lot and sometimes did her own thing.  Sometimes she would only talk to you if you got hurt. You couldn’t see it but Faith cared for every one of friends and family. I am going to miss the fun that me and Faith had. Some of the fun things I am going to miss is riding bikes with her, playing chess on the computer, and playing games outside.  The last and most fun thing I am going to miss is playing Minecraft with her.

Since Faith is gone (in Heaven) my life had changed. Now because Faith gone I am no longer allowed to ride in the front of my van or car. This also means I don’t have a fun doctor who cares for me.  That day made me very, very sad, it even broke me down to tears. Now that Faith is gone she won’t be able to go to my band or choir concerts. She won’t be able to come to my graduation or for me to see graduate. I also won’t be able to go to prom or homecoming with her.  But the thing that makes me feel the saddest is we can’t go to each other’s birthday parties. Faith may be gone but I have great memories of her when she was alive. When Faith was around she taught me many things like to be kind to others, friendship is key, to care for others, and most importantly God loves you no matter what.

My nephew blew me away when I read this.  When he first showed this to his Momma she teared up reading the first line.  It took her a month to read everything he wrote.

One of the things that choked me up Faithie was Ben planned to take you to homecoming and prom.  Lately everyone is posting their prom pictures.  Oh my the girls are so beautiful and the boys are so handsome.  One of the pictures that made my eyes sweat was a girl with autism who went to her first prom. Faithie you knew who she was and she was so happy.  My tears were both happy and sad.  She was beautiful and joyful. Now according to Ben it would have been you two going to prom. Oh so very, very precious and sweet.

Ben wrote with such amazing tenderness and clarity.  I so love him and love how much he loved you.

I love you ALWAYS and FOREVER Faithie,
Love,
Momma

My loves when we were in Florida last February.  Oh I wish we were still there!!

 

Oh I wish...

I wish you were sitting with Daddy playing PlayStation while he was healing from his second heart surgery. 

 

I wish you were here to smack your brother, Elijah, in the back really hard again. (He told me last night he missed that and he'd rather have you smack him than gone.)

 

I wish you were here to laugh because I miss that sound.

 

I wish you were here to snuggle with at night. (Maybe I'd be able to sleep better again.)

 

I wish you were here to buy clothes for at garage sales. (It's hard seeing clothes I think you'd have liked and then pass them up.)

 

 

I wish you were here to get ready for summer and swimming.

 

I wish you were here for Family Camp because I am really not looking forward to it since you're not going to be there.

 

Most of all I wish you were here to hold, hug, kiss, and talk to.

 

I love you Sweet Girl ALWAYS and FOREVER,

Love

Your Momma

Pause Land Part 2

Oh Faithie you are in the most beautiful of all places!!!  Over the weekend our family went to Hocking Hills Ohio.  It is so beautiful there.  When I was a little girl, Hocking was the one place I went to almost every year.  It was probably the only vacation we ever really took.

I commented to Katie (she is someone who lives with us right now along with her little girls) on how you would have loved these waterfalls.  She said to me I know she would but can you imagine the waterfalls she has now in Heaven?  And I cannot.

 

Five months ago tomorrow you died.  There I said it or more like typed it.  You died and I am still having a hard time accepting that.  To be honest Faithie I will never be okay with you living in Heaven while I'm here with Daddy and your brothers.

 

(To My Readers the Pictures below may be upsetting to you as they are of the accident.)

 

Faithie I look at these pictures and I wish I could hit that Pause Button I've talked about before.  I wish I could hit it and do so many things before the accident.  First I would pause it right at the moment I heard your teachers yell "Faithie where are you going?" when you ran out of your classroom that morning.  I want to pause there for a while because I want to see your face looking for me.  I want to take it in and hold you for as long as I can.  I'd be so happy to stay in that Pauseland for a while.

 

Second I'd hit the pause button as your bus was coming that afternoon.  In that moment I'd tell myself my children are only around for a short while so STOP being selfish in wanting to leave before she gets off the bus. Hug your princess one more time, Heather Marie.  And then I'd unpause it and wait for you to jump off the bus.

 

 Thirdly on that day I hit the pause button before Daddy called and I would drive Jerri's car back to Portage and I make you change places. During the Pauseland, I'd take you out of the car and put you in Papa's truck and then kiss your Daddy real hard and hold him because I'd know the accident was coming but I'd also know he'd be okay.  Then after I hit the unpause I wouldn't ever hear your Daddy calling to say, "You have to come home. There's been an accident and I don't think she is going to make it."

I like Pauseland and the Pause Button there.... I cannot believe tomorrow you will have been gone 5 months.

 

And again I wish I could hit the Pause button because Daddy is having his second heart surgery.  He is having his Mitral Valve Repaired or Replaced.  I want to hit pause again and just watch him sleep and protect him from the pain to come.

 

Also Baby Girl I am not at peace this time around.  When he had the first heart surgery in July 2013 we were heavy covered in prayers and I had my whole family.  This time around my sweet girl is in Heaven and I am afraid Daddy is going to come join you tomorrow.  The surgery has 97% survival rate but I am still scared and I want to pause just to stop tomorrow.

 

 You loved your Daddy and were so careful with him after his surgery. You'd make sure he was covered up and okay.  I am going to miss your sweet face coming in and snuggling with Daddy and kissing him.  I know I cannot hit the pause button as our Creator didn't let us have that power.  I also know God is watching over us but I am scared.  So so scared and wish you were here to snuggle with Daddy tomorrow.

Daddy and I love you ALWAYS and FOREVER,

Love,

Momma

 

 

 

Pause Land Part 1

I wrote this blog on my main one (which I have shut down since Faithie left).  Please read it and I will bring you Pauseland Part 2 tomorrow. 

Monday, April 15, 2013

Where is the Pause button in life?

Seriously I wish this life had a pause button.  I would so hit pause on many different times in my life.

For example I would hit the pause when my babies were little and take a nap.  Then I would have been more refreshed when they were awake and could give them more of myself.  I would tell myself in Pauseland that this too will pass so love on those kids because before you know it they will be 10, 8 1/2, and 7 years old.  Enjoy the moments you have with them.

When Faith was diagnosed with Autism I would have liked to hit pause for a moment before the lady who told us would tell us.  In that moment I would love to punch the lady (lets be honest she was not my favorite person at the moment.  It wasn't her fault, just her job.  I still didn't like her).  I would have screamed at the top of my lungs and would have had my own massive meltdown.  Then before I hit play I would remind myself this is a good thing to have the early diagnosis.  Life will have up and downs but Faith will grow. Just take super big deep breaths.  Oh and in Pauseland that lady I just punched won't feel a thing once the play button has been hit.

Now I want to hit pause again.  This time for my husband.  Many of you know by now that he has something wrong with his heart.  

 Today we are at U or M for Jamie's first appointment to see what we are going to be doing with his heart.  I haven't told Jamie how I feel because he has been really up and down with this whole ordeal.  If it was me, I would be the same way.

Just wish I could hit pause and be in Pauseland for a few minutes. There I can scream out my thoughts and fears and take a few breaths.

Right now we are waiting for the doctor........  Will let you know what he says.  I guess this a good sort of time to hit my imaginary button. 

Fights Happen

Oh Baby I sobbed yesterday so hard, so hard. 

 

Since you have passed away Daddy and I have pretty much gotten along.  We don't play blame games, we don't really yell at each other, we just plain don't fight.  I don't know what is normal but I imagine some couples fight a lot after a death of their child. 

 

Well this week it happened and took two separate days for it to explode. We used words and actions that were hurtful. I won't share with you who said what but I will share with you what I think ended our fight.

 

One of the actions that I did was throw my cards that were from my wallet at Daddy.  I also did something I've never done before but I punched the wall three times.  I thought they were hard punches but to be honest they probably felt like a bee to the wall.

 

After I did that I left with Katie and her girls to go shopping and out to lunch. Daddy and I needed space from each. You know Faithie we have gone just about 5 months without fighting so I think fight was just due.

 On a side note: Last February I prayed to God to help me no longer be the "naggy wife" and to take deep breaths when we fight and walk away without words.  In fact this verse hit me to the core around February last year:

Proverbs 21:9 (NIV)

⁹ Better to live on a corner of the roof
    than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.

I've taken this verse to my heart and have applied it to our marriage since. It hasn't been easy though and on Saturday we both just lost it.

 

The action that stopped our fight was me throwing my cards but it wasn't until I came home from shopping that it happened.  When I came home I started cleaning our bedroom.  Daddy was laying down and I was giving him the ever popular "Silent Treatment."

 

As I was finishing up, I came across the broken library card pictured above.  My eyes  immediately filled with heavy tears and they flowed down my face.  I handed it to Daddy and said everything I was keeping inside. 

That card wasn't broken before I left and I thought Daddy broke it because he was angry that I threw them at him.   Quietly I said, "Of all the cards I threw you picked the wrong one to break." My heart was heavy because I was also to blame for it breaking.  If I hadn't thrown them it would have been safely in my wallet.  I believe Daddy's heart felt sad for me.  He told me quietly back that he didn't break it that the littlest did on accident.  In a strange way that ended our fighting.  We were both done emotionally and shared our thoughts in a calm manner after that.  When done Daddy forced me to hug him.  I didn't want to at first but afterwards I held him tightly back so thankful I have your Daddy here to fight with and to love.

Our fight was done.

 

I just hate that I lost your library card is broken. It's a symbol to me that you aren't here any more and that there is no reason to replace it. I'll keep the broken pieces though in my wallet to have you close to me. 

My Grandpa calls crying "Sweating" and I shall say my beautiful girl my eyes "sweated" a lot yesterday.

 

Oh Baby Girl: Fights happen and things get broken like library cards and hearts.  I'm so glad for that Bible verse though because it keeps me steady and has really helped our marriage.  And my sweet girl with God leading us our marriage will survive this and the upcoming heart surgery and whatever else comes our way.  It's a struggle but I love your Daddy too much and he loves me too.
 

I miss you my Lady, more and more everyday.

I love you ALWAYS and FOREVER,

Love,

Momma

 

 

It's all about the SUGAR!

Faithie it is the little things that sometimes I smile and remember you doing.  One of those little things was SUGAR!  You could smell this sweet substance or at least your Daddy and I think you could.  We knew this because one time after we came home from Georgia, we hid your Easter candy so you wouldn't eat it all at once.  Well I hid it in a drawer you had never, ever gone in and you weren't even around when I hid it.  You were in the land of dreams.  The next morning your Daddy and I saw wrappers EVERYWHERE!!  My sweet girl you found the hidden candy and ate it all before we woke up!!  That was in April of 2010 and ever since then we had to hide it in more and more different places.

Easter Egg Hunt April 2010



Today I was making myself a cup of coffee and I just smiled and giggled to myself as I pulled the sugar out of cabinet.  I remember so many days or times where there was sugar sprinkled all over the floor and inside the container of sugar was a spoon.  You were just having a snack or breakfast!!  I know many times I was so frustrated over those sugar spills but now I look back and smile on how much you and sugar were friends. 

Today I am raising my cup of coffee to you and am saying, "Enjoy all the sugar up in Heaven Faith Elizabeth!  Have a spoonful with Jesus this morning! I love you both."

Good Morning Jesus, God, Holy Spirit and Faithie! Love you!

I love you ALWAYS and FOREVER,

Love,

Momma

Mackenzie, Faithie's Best Friend

In memory of Faith Elizabeth Hall

By Mackenzie

I met Faith at Awana. She is my best friend. Faith love to smiled a lot Her favorite color is purple She likes frozen a lot. She called me Rapunzel and she loved to play with my hair. I loved to play with her hair too. When frozen come out she would some times call me Anna from frozen. Faith love to draw princesses and angels on the white boards at Awana Faith loved to dancing to music especially frozen music Faith like to sing to frozen music. Her favorite food is spaghetti. She liked to play in the snow and to sled too.

 

She is very kind. Faithie is a friend like no other friend that I have ever see. We played dolls a lot we all ways made them in to princesses. For the last birthday she had on earth Faith had a frozen birthday we had so much fun. I gave her two little toothpick dolls she called them plastic Else and plastic Anna

 

and one time I made a little house for her and I took it too her school but she was sick so I give it to her teacher. after Faith deid her mom give the house back to me. I miss Faith a lot. I was Faith only best friend. Faith called me her friend. I will miss her a lot but I can imagine her dancing with Jesus. Faith died on November 7 2014.