Friendships

Do you really want to know what hurts the most since Faithie passed (her passing is an obvious one)?  The lack of love and support.

I've heard people say "I'm afraid I'm going to upset you or make you cry."  Jamie and I have always been open and have said many times over "that's better than silence."  I know people are uncomfortable around someone who has lost someone.  Yet their inability to talk or text hurts those they are trying not to hurt.  

When our girl left I was overwhelmed by all the love and support.  It helped us move forward at the most difficult time in our married life. As time went on people just stopped calling or coming over or inviting us over.  They went away just like Faithie.

What really hurt was I found out they just became "too busy" to text, send a Facebook message, call or show up.  It has hurt more than I've let on.  I tried to restore friendship with one but was given the "I've been really too busy". Whatever you're on Fakebook.  Why not drop a line? You have time for that right? I think it would have been better to say, "I'm not able too give you what you need in friendship right now.  Please know that I care but must disconnect."  I think that's better than the "I've been so busy."  It would still hurt but at least we would know where we stand and understand the silence then.

It's been 10 years that I've lived here and yet have not seemed to be able to make a close connection with anyone.  I think it's me but I don't know what it is about me or about us.

I think it may have been people were not sure about Faith and her autism.  They were probably a little afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing.  I can understand that a little. But as time has gone on the friendships have still not stayed solid. 

I left our old church because of the lack of friends.  It's hard going somewhere where you're just not connecting.  

The same issue is happening at our church now. We thought friendships were forming but they've all stopped.  I just don't even want to go to church anymore. 

For the few who've been there and have stayed there thank you.  I wish you were closer though.

I'm going to delete people to only family and a few people I think I can trust with my heart.  I don't want pity friends.  

I just wanted to let you know ahead of time why ypu were deleted.  This way you can't complain to others on Fakebook about being deleted and have no clue why.

I think death shows people their true colors. 


My Dad who I never think is right happens to be right about friends.  He always told me as I was growing up, "Heather friends come and go.  So don't bother about becoming attached."

And oh I wish my Princess was here.  I'd still be lonely for a close friendship here but at least I would have my Princess.

Life's Journey

Hmmm.... Life is a journey without a map or gps.  When you've figured out your path life throws in a hazard of some sort and it detours you.

For me I always thought I'd be a teacher and went to Indiana Wesleyan University for this.  I walked away without a teaching degree for reasons.  I did walk away with a best friend of 20 years this May.

I married and became a stay at home mom.  It wasn't my desire to become one but it was where I was needed.  I'm so forever grateful that I had that opportunity.

Yet I still felt a desire to do something but didn't know what. For years I've asked God what do you think or want me to do and for years I've never felt any real direction.

I tried school in September 2014 and entered social work.  Then this journey called Life threw my family the worst hazard by Faithie, our sweet princess, dying from a car accident and going to Heaven.  Somehow I was able to finish school with 2 A+. It felt wonderful to finish and accomplish that semster.  It gave me a sense of pride and confidence. When I tried to go back to school in January I was too lost and broken hearted. I even began to doubt if going into the social work was the right choice.

For so many wonderful, roller coaster years I was Faithie's momma.  Now I feel a loss to my identity. Also a desire to do anything left. My two boys and husband are the reasons I wake up and move forward.  They are my heart and motivation. They love me so much and I love them beyond words.

Yet I need something for me right?  Passion? Desire? Motivation? Work? Write? Paint? Craft? God, my Daddy, what is it? Please make it so clear that there is no doubt.

Confession time family and friends: I've stopped taking care of myself.  It is a good week if I shower more than 2 to 3 times. I wear yoga pants and leggings around the house and even out. I don't brush my hair daily unless I'm going to therapy.

Before this hazard of life I took much beter care of myself. It's because I truly simply don't care about me or what others think or the energy to care.  Jamie wants me to care.  So I for the first time ever I allowed my hair dresser to give me Copper Red highlights. I've never had highlights.

Tonya my hairdressers name and we first met her in December.  We immediately connected.  She told me then and yesterday "You need to take care of yourself first."  She has been a blessing.  She helped me feel beautiful and worthy.  So I'm going to try everyday to love myself and take mental and physical care of myself. It's a positive step in moving forward in this Life.

Now I just need to figure what to do with my life.  I have a huge heart and love people.  Hmmmmm..... Tired hazards but So thankful for my family and friends.

Thanks for reading... I know it may seem rambly but I thought I'd share since it's been awhile.

Then I come after after typing this blog post and immediately feel back to that blue don't care feeling..... SMALL steps

Daddy's Hurt Too

 

I found this poem today and it truly represents my husband.  He tries to be strong but I know he's hurting inside.  Jamie is also suffering from PTSD from the accident and thankfully is going to therapy.  He keeps things inside too much in order to protect me from hurting more.  I am so thankful he has been opening up to me over the last few months. 

 

He misses Faithie too. 

 

 People just don't understand we, those who are grieving,  need their friends to stick around after the initial tragedy.  The unfortunate thing from what I have personally discovered is people disappear.  I accepted it fine but it has hurt my husband and has made him angry.  My heart hurts to watch him struggle.  I love him so much and would take it all away if I could: ALL of it.

 Daddy's Grieve Too

 People don't always see

the tears a dad cries,

His heart is broken too 

when his child dies.

 

He tries to hold it together

and be strong,

Even though his world's gone wrong.

 

He holds his wife as her tears fall,

Comforts her through it all,

He goes through his day doing 

what he's supposed to do,

 

But a piece of his heart has been

ripped away too.

So when he's alone he lets out his pain,

And his tears come like falling rain,

His world has crashed in around him,

 

And a world that was once bright

has gone dim.

He feels he has to be strong for others,

But Dads hurt too, not just the Mothers,

 

He searches for answers

but none are to be found,

He hides behind a mask

when he is feeling down.

 

He smiles through his tears,

He struggles and holds in his fears,

But what you see on the outside

is not always real,

 

Men don't always show how they really feel.

So I'd like to ask a favor of you,

The next time you see a mother hurting

over the loss of her child,

 

please remember.....a Dad hurts to

 

Faithie's last IEP meeting

ife 7 years later

 Seven years ago this was my "Baby Girl" (and I still call her my "Baby Girl" because she'll always be that.  She does correct me at times with, "I'm a big girl now")at 2 1/2 years old.  She had a thing for bubbles and loved the big bubble exhibit at the Grand Rapids Children's Museum.  This picture is about a month before she was officially diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder.  Jamie and I for years were trying to figure out what was different about our girl.  We thought she couldn't hear because she never responded to us or noises.  I knew long before my sister in law, Brooke, told me what she thought what was going on with Faith. I just wasn't ready at the time and we prolonged the evaluation for a year because of me. 

Here in this blog I wrote about us finding out she was autstic:
 http://halloddfamily.blogspot.com/2007/02/faith-austim-spectrum-disorder-and-life.html

Our life changed then.  Faith started attending school at Croyden before she was three.  I remember crying so hard her first day of school and so scared to put her on the bus.  Jamie wanted me to get her into the routine of school right away and put her on the bus.  I am so thankful to this day that God made it snow and snow and snow.  It was because of that snow that Jamie was nervous about putting her on the bus and came home to pick us up.  It was April 11th, 2007 that we took her to school.  She'd be at Croyden until she started Kindergarten in 2009.

Here is an entry I wrote in my blog in August of 2008:  (It shows some progress she already made at Croyden)

Faith is moving up in school!! She will be graduating from the tutor part of her school and move to the Early Learning Skills class. It is basically a very structured preschool with focusing on each child and their IEP goals. Her teacher told us that she is involving herself in parrell play with another child and they have created a game together!! It is the "Wake Up" game. Faith actually learned that at home b/c one of us will fake sleep and the other will yell "wake up". It's exciting to see her progress.

I am writing today, 7 years later and 7 IEP's later to say my "Baby Girl" is moving from regular speech therapy and OT monthly/ weekly to consultative.  She has progressed so much that her two therapists have decided she no longer needs them.  This is both a very happy and scary thing.

Mr. Casey, her OT, has been with Faith I think since she started kindergarten (and maybe a year before that).  He has helped her writing and everything else an OT does wonderfully.  I am so thankful for his constant prescence at our IEP meetings and the stories he's shared with us over the years of what Faithie has done at her sessions.  Jamie and I are so thankful for Mr. Casey in his love for her, patience and teaching her.  He will be missed but I know he'll help another set of parents reach this exciting time.  Below are two examples of Faith's writings now...

 

Faithie loves doctoring people.  She even plays virtual doctor games on my phone.  Here in the picture above she made this picture for me and wrote clear as day, "Doctor" on it.

The picture below brought tears to my eyes.  She brought this worksheet home in her first week of school.  My lovely girl is dotting her i's with hearts!!! SO EXTREMELY AGE APPROPRIATE and something I never knew if we'd see out of her.   So thank you so much Mr. Casey!!!  I pray you have this kind of success with all your other sweet children you're helping.

 Now for Miss. Sarah.... She has been Faithie's speech teacher since Faith started Croyden (7 years). Sarah told us, and Mr Casey too, that Faith has made amazing gains over the last few years on her IEP goals with them.  They both warned us that this day was coming and Miss. Sara (please forgive me if you spell this with and H or not), teared up thinking about it.  She also told us, as much as she didn't want too, that she feels Faith would benefit from ADHD meds.  (Again this has taken me a year to actually follow through, but I am thankful for her honesty).  I know it was hard for her to say because she also teared up telling us that too.

Miss. Sara I am so thankful to you for taking all this time with Faithie.  I understand it is your job but you do it with love and I can see that.  Faith went from maybe only saying, "yeah, mama, dada" at 2 to having conversations with me.  I know I have to pull the topics out of her but I want you to know I don't think we'd be there if it wasn't for your very hard work.

In fact Faithie is cheerleading this year!!  If she wasn't able to talk or communicate, we'd probably not be able to have her to do that!  You're hard work (and those of your student teachers/interns) has paid off.

Yesterday Faith and I had a momma/ daughter date.  We went to Culver's for chocolate ice cream.  My girl placed her own order to the cashier, "I want chocolate with Reece's Peanut butter cup, Please"

After ice cream we drove to pick her brothers up from Cub and Boy Scouts when I asked her about band.  She said no she went to STEAM.  I truthfully didn't know what she was saying so after me asking her about 5 questions I think out of frustration she did this, "I went to steam.  S-T-E-A-M" spelling it to me.  I was floored that she knew what to do to get me to understand.

She then initiated echoing talk on the way to pick up Elijah. It went like this, "wwhhheeeerrrreeee aaaaerrrreee wwwweeee ggggoooiinngg?"  It was a fun 20 minutes of talking like we were in a cave with echoes and even better that she initiated.

So today is a big, wonderful day for Faithie and her IEP.  AND I am so grateful for Miss Sarah and Mr Casey for teaching her.  Thank you isn't enough.p

Silenc is NOT always golden

When I was a teenager my youth group used to play this game called, "Silence is Golden."  One person would say some bizarre sentences like, "The sky is pink. I live in the ground.  The moon is made out of cheese," and then ask if anyone had an inspiration.

I hated this game for a long time until I figured out how to play it.  For those who've never played, I'm not telling you here.  I will say this, I was almost always someone inspiration.  Pretty cool huh? Being an inspiration to people.

There are so many things we all miss about you, Faithie.  Elijah misses you talking to him about the game Minecraft.  He loved hearing you say, "Elijah! Elijah! My sheep are naked!!!"  I still remember that day.  I was sitting on the couch playing on probably my kindle and watching you play Minecraft.  Elijah was in the living room and you suddenly yelled for him.  It made me and Elijah giggle and it was fun seeing your joy.

Trever misses hearing you talk about the Undertaker.  Whenever his music would come on (for those of you who don't know who that is, he is a WWE wrestler), you would come running into the TV room and yell out loud with excitement, "THAT'S MY FAVORITE SUPERSTAR!!"

Daddy misses you running into his arms and saying, "Daddy you're home!"  You were the one who always greeted him first.  It was so sweet watching.

So as you can see from these above we are all missing your voice.  The silence here is not golden or even wonderful. You fought so hard to find your voice over the years.  Before you were diagnosed with autism you only said Mama, Dada, and Yeah.  Towards the end of you life you could speak many words and sentences.  I loved listening to you talk.  I love the way your voice sounded.  It was always music to my ears, your Daddy's ears and everyone who loved you.

There were times when you would say nothing and I miss those too.  When your brothers are fighting like crazy I could count on sweet peace from you. You fought but usually with your fists.  I miss the your silence in the noise and I miss your voice in the house now.  I miss you.

So as you can see Baby Girl silence is no longer golden here.  It's your voice we all miss the most.  When I asked your brothers and Dad what they missed they had no idea I was writing about missing your voice.  This just went to show me how much your voice meant to us.  

What I miss you saying most to me is, "I love you, Me too!"

Oh Baby I bet Jesus is just soaking in your voice right now. He's smiling with joy at all the words you're able to share now.  I'm very glad you have Him to talk to until we come.

I love you Baby, ALWAYS and FOREVER,

Love Always,
Momma

Binder Zoo 2007

My Heart Hurts

I just cannot stop, stop, stop missing you.  I thought my tears had dried up over the last few days but they came back in full force today.  Momma cannot stop the tears today and my tummy is so sad sick.  My heart is in pain.  I need you here my Lady.  I need you here but you will never be here again.  It sucks like no other.  It's a pain that will never go away.  It may dull over time but it will always be there. 

Happy Birthday My Lady

Baby Girl it's been 7 months since we saw you last and I still cannot believe you are gone. Sweet Baby so many things have happened in the last month: your first birthday in Heaven came, Momma's first birthday without you, going on a women's retreat with church, and end of the school and no you.

We celebrated your birthday even though you weren't here.  I can only imagine how beautiful and perfect your birthday was up in Heaven.  I  tied dyed  shirts for the us with purple and Daddy had a cake made for you.  We went to your body's resting place and released balloons.  Everyone who came said something to you as they released.  Mackenzie's momma said, "I hope you ate a lot of sugar today in Heaven."

Your Papa really misses you.  He choked up when he said his thoughts.  I love your Papa Faithie.  He has become a "Dad" to me and is protective of me.  It's something I always wanted growing up and I dearly love him like you did.  He's already told me that we will be able to get through Family Camp together.... We're not looking forward to it this year.

Elijah wasn't happy much.  His face shows it all in the picture.  When we released the balloons he went chasing them and yelled, "Come Back".  I wonder if the "Come Back" was directed to you more than the balloons.  A part of my heart believes it was.

 

Daddy too is really missing you too.  If you look at his face you can see he is smiling but look closer and you can see his eyes are missing some spark.  He wishes you were here too like me but we would never want you to leave Heaven and the most safe places of places.

A friend of ours made this cake for us and you would have LOVED IT!!  It was so tasty and chocolatey.....

I miss you Baby.  It's all I really have to say today.  I just miss, miss, miss you and look forward to the day I can hug you again in Heaven.

I love you ALWAYS and FOREVER,
Love,
Momma